a hippie with a minivan

Separation between heart and brain…

This weekend Simon and I made a rash decision. The thing is, I don’t just want to be in BC, I want to go home, I want to go back to Nelson… where I was raised. We were trying to think of ways to get closer to Nelson, because the dream of being in Nelson always felt unattainable. But I always avoided the fact that we could just go to Nelson. Why not work on making that dream a reality?

There are still no jobs that we can see from here in Quebec, but that doesn’t mean that we can’t find some kind of work to make ends meet. So, though we are not going to give up our search for work, we might leave before we find it. I truly believe that things would fall into place if we were there especially because both of us are willing to work at it.

It’s scary. It’s terrifying really. To give up the stability that we have now, the salary that we have now, our house, our friends… for a dream. But is that stability worth our happiness? No, it isn’t. But, I feel sick… My brain is screaming NO and dragging its heels in the ground while my heart is bounding and leaping forwards making rash decisions. There is a complete separation. I don’t know what to feel at the moment.

I am just not happy where we are. I have wanted to be back in Nelson, back in BC since I left when I was ten. I want to raise my kids there and have them know the mountains in the same way I did. I want them to have the community that I had and going to Nelson, I would already have some community already established. People that I know and love and that watched me grow up.

but… but…. but…. the brain goes to work again..

There are so many changes ahead, I don’t know what to expect, but I can’t wait to see where my heart bring me…

I have a healthy little girl!

Today was Willa’s last test to make sure that her surgery was a success and that everything is now working as it should be.

The VCUG is a test done in the radiology department. A catheter is inserted into the bladder and a contrast fills the bladder while an x-ray machine takes images. When the bladder is full, the patient then needs to urinate and again images are taken to see if there is reflux of the urine (or dye) going back into the ureters.

The technician that was there was nice enough but she had trouble getting the catheter in. Having a catheter put in is already unpleasant but when someone has trouble it is worse…and when they still can’t get it in and then have to try again it is excruciating. Especially when you have to be held down and don’t understand why it is all happening. So Wilhelmina cried and looked at me with the saddest eyes and my heart just broke. When they finally got it in and got it secure and filled her bladder, it was time for her to pee. Last time she did this test it was easy. I just signalled for her to pee and she did. But this time was different. She is now 6 months older and she doesn’t like going to the bathroom in front of strangers and she doesn’t usually go to the bathroom strapped down on a cold table. She told me she had to pee but she just couldn’t let herself go. Finally after about 10 minutes the technician poured a bit of cold water on her feet and she went and it was done. She stopped crying immediately and I could see the relief take over her. A few seconds later the catheter was out, the images were done and I was able to take her in my arms and she just held me. I got her dressed and she was back to herself but she was different in a way also. I hate putting her through things like this.

The results were not in but we could see pretty clearly that there was no reflux by looking at the images. We headed up to the urology dept. to see her urologist and he said the same. She is fine. There is no reflux. She is healthy and everything is now working as it should. The surgery was a success and now we can get on with our lives. No more antibiotics, no more worrying about how things are working… We just need follow up with ultrasounds every year or so to keep an eye on things… but that is it!

The only thing now is that we left the hospital and stopped by a friend’s house on the way home and Willa needed to pee and she was in so much pain from that catheter. It was awful seeing her that way. When we got home though she soaked in a warm bath for a while and it was better but she was still in pain while she peed. Hopefully it will be over with soon though and we can finally just get back to normal.

But now I have a healthy perfect little girl with a few battle scars but who has been an amazing trooper through this whole ordeal and can now work on just being a normal little kid.

My little girl is two!

I can’t believe it… two years ago this morning my little girl was born unassisted about 3 feet away from where I am sitting right now.

You can read her birth story here.

If you have been reading the blog for a while you will know that this second year has been quite a trial for us. Just to recap quickly for those that might be new, Wilhelmina came down with a fever and stopped eating in June while we were camping and it took nearly a month before we figured out what it was. A bone scan finally discovered that she had a kidney infection and her ureter was blocked and the kidney was basically acting like it was an abscess, filled with puss and making her very very sick. She washospitalised for nearly two weeks and had finally had a nephrostomy tube put in to drain her kidney. She had the tube for three months and then had surgery to reconstruct a congenital defect in her Ureter in October.

Next monday she has a final test to make sure that everything is now working correctly if it is, we can finally put the whole ordeal behind us.

Now, she is healthy. She is a healthy, happy, sweet, beautiful, charming, little girl that makes everyone fall in love with her.

Seriously, she wins the heart of anyone she meets within minutes. She smiles and does silly faces and blows kisses and is just a little sweetie. A few weeks ago I had a woman chase me down in the parking lot having bought cookies that Wilhelmina was admiring while we were waiting in line to pay. She told me that Willa just made her smile.

She is a girly girl, loving to take care of her babies, loves to get dressed up, loves princesses and fairies….

But she has a definite attitude and stands her ground with her brothers. Of course she charms them too, so she has figured out that she can basically get anything she wants from them.

She also has her daddy wrapped around her little finger… a true daddies girl…

She is silly… she knows how to get a laugh and especially loves making her brothers laugh. Nearly every night after her bath she heads to the kitchen, get on the table and dances naked… she poses for her self and does a whole show and knows that we love it… hopefully one day she will do the whole thing dressed because I would love to share it!

Wilhelmina loves to help in the kitchen. I can’t cook without her being next to me on a chair or sitting on the counter. She watches everything, helps out with little tasks, smells all of the spices, cuts her self pieces of cheese, wants to stir and put flour in the bowl, rearranges the cutlery and is just my little kitchen buddy.

Willa is a little mouse… definitely a grazer and doesn’t eat many meals… she loves cheese, and strawberries, clementines, blackberries, sushi, chocolate, palm hearts, and anything that I am eating when I am eating it.

She also loves her Maju…

On the EC front (Elimination Communication), with the hospital stays and her surgery we had a setback and she used diapers for about 3 months. She started using diapers at 18 months and was out of them after her surgery at 21 months. It is so great to think that that whole diapering/EC learning phase behind us now… we now have 4 big kids!

Her language is blooming. She uses sentences and we can now have conversations. It is amazing when I realize that I am having a real conversation with my little girl…

She is our last child and it is strange to think that I will never again have a 1 year old.

I have a two year old now.

An amazing, beautiful, loving two year old that makes our whole family smile every day.

Happy Birthday Wilhelmina!

in wait…

We haven’t had any news for the job yet… one part of me feels hopeful still and the other feels a bit crushed though really I have no idea how long these things usually take so not too crushed…

The dream is not crushed though, not even close, nor will it be. This weekend my mom took the boys and Simon and I worked on getting the house more presentable and changing things around a bit so that I could take a few pictures to get the house on the market. The kitchen is basically 100% decluttered. The only thing left is my spices and the fridge. The living room is done and I am so happy with the way it looks and feels now.

I am ready to sell this house with a new job or without. If we have to move closer to Montreal for a while until the right job comes around again, then so be it, we need and want a change. If we were able to find a way to leave and head to BC without a job and find one there it would be great but with a large family, that amount of uncertainty is not something I am ready for just yet.

It is so hard being in this waiting phase… waiting to find a job, waiting to sell the house, waiting for the next phase to begin. I am not a patient person, when I make a decision, I want it yesterday.

I know that there are a few readers that made this kind of big move… I would LOVE to hear from you! what came first, the job or the move? How did you do it? How did you get the courage up to take the plunge?!

Dreams…

Simon applied for a job this week. I don’t want to get into the details or jinx it but I can’t stop thinking about it. He is qualified for the job but it is hard to imagine that it would work out.

It seems that when we dream of things they stay just that… a dream…

This job would be the fresh start that we need and that I hoped for this year. A new environment, a better place to raise our kids. Though I love the network of friends that I have now, we are far from them and we are lacking the community that we want and need and because English is the language that comes most naturally to me, it is the language that I speak at home which has put my kids at a disadvantage when it comes to making friends in the neighbourhood. But in all honesty Quebec is just not a kid friendly environment, especially when you do not live in the big centres and especially if you do not fit within the mould.

We are unhappy where we are and we should have moved long ago but we were not ready. But, now we are, and it feels like life is not keeping up with our dreams…

but now I understand dreams are dreams…

and if you want them to become reality you have to work for it.

and that’s where are now…