Alternative Parenting – Page 4 – a hippie with a minivan

High standards and The Cycle of Coercive Parenting…

I saw this article linked to Facebook this morning…

Research shows 50 years of motherhood manuals set standards too high for new mums

New research at the University of Warwick into 50 years of motherhood manuals has revealed how despite their differences they have always issued advice as orders and set unattainably high standards for new mums and babies.

……

“Dr Davis found although the advice from these experts changed over the decades, the one thing that didn’t change was the way it was delivered. Whatever the message for mothers, it was given as an order with a threat of dire consequences if mother or child failed to behave as expected.”

“Dr Davis said: “Despite all the differences in advice advocated by these childcare ‘bibles’ over the years, it is interesting that they all have striking similarities in terms of how the experts presented their advice. Whatever the message, the advice was given in the form of an order and the authors highlighted extreme consequences if mothers did not follow the methods of childrearing that they advocated.”

“Levels of behaviour these childcare manuals set for mothers and babies are often unattainably high, meaning women could be left feeling like failures when these targets were not achieved. Therefore while women could find supportive messages within childcare literature, some also found the advice more troubling.”

This article was shared by a group on Facebook that is against “Baby Training” in the form of sleep training such as CIO (cry-it-out) or controlled crying. And I completely agree with them that part of the focus of the article is to show that so many parents are coerced into trying to achieve unattainable standards when it comes to children’s sleep that goes against what is biologically and physiologically normal. I could go on and on about why controlled crying is harmful including the changes in cortisol levels and the long term effects on stress but I think that a previous article by Dr. Gabor Maté sums it up perfectly…

People cannot consciously recall what they “learned” in the first year of life, because the brain structures that store narrative memory are not yet developed. But neuropsychological research has established that human beings have a far more powerful memory system imprinted in their nervous systems called intrinsic memory. Intrinsic memory encodes the emotional aspects of early experience, mostly in the prefrontal lobe of the brain. These emotional memories may last a lifetime. Without any recall of the events that originally encoded them, they serve as a template for how we perceive the world and how we react to later occurrences.

Is the world a friendly and nurturing place, or an indifferent or even hostile one? Can we trust other human beings to recognize, understand and honour our needs, or do we have to shut down emotionally to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable? These are fundamental questions that we resolve largely with our implicit memory system rather than with our conscious minds. As psychologist and leading memory researcher Daniel Schacter has written, intrinsic memory is active “when people are influenced by past experience without any awareness that they are remembering.”

The implicit message an infant receives from having her cries ignored is that the world — as represented by her caregivers — is indifferent to her feelings. That is not at all what loving parents intend.

Unfortunately, it’s not parental intentions that a baby integrates into her world view, but how parents respond to her. This is why, if I could relive my life, I would do much of my parenting differently.

However, the baby training aspect was not exactly the first thing that came to mind when I find started reading the article.

The first thing that came to mind was how much it shows that the cycle of coercion is being perpetuated; from the authority of the book (or people giving advice), to the authority of the parent, to the focus on punishment and reward to keep control, to learning to make decisions because of external motivation and in doing so, continuing that cycle of control and coercion.

This cycle keeps coming up in parenting circles and discussions. It is the stern “reality” that if you are not “in control” then you are permissive and being controlled.

There is no middle ground and no alternatives. Everyone knows that babies and children are master manipulators and are masters of controlling so you can’t let your guard down for a second. You have to be in control. The parents that don’t use punishments or rewards are just letting their kids run wild and walk all over them and they will never to do things because internal motivation just doesn’t happen. Kids have to “learn” and the parents will have a “wake up call” down the road when they kid is doing whatever they please, jobless or even in jail because they never learned how things work “in the real world”. (I wish I was exaggerating, but I have seen all of these said in parenting threads… even just yesterday)

But I “get” it… the ideas that these parents have comes from this cycle. The whole tone of these parenting methods is by using rewards and punishments and warning that any deviations from the method will be punished. If you don’t listen to the authority and exert control, your baby won’t sleep, your toddler won’t learn to not run into the street and will get hit by a car, your child will disobey and become a delinquent and people will hate them and look down at you as the parent for failing to do the “right” thing. Following the rules of the book and the authority will in turn create “good kids”.

The parent’s behaviour is being controlled by the very ideology of punishment and reward and they are in turn is teaching the same to their children.

The problem though is that following the rules, especially when goals are actually unattainable, is that the parents and children are doomed for failure. Parents end up needing to step it up a notch to be more in control and are forced to choose between doing what they are told and doing what feels right.

I have never heard someone say that it feels right to make their baby cry itself to sleep. They say that it just needs to be done. They are taught that there is no other way, and are led to believe that these behaviours are not normal. The fact is that it is completely normal, but to admit to it or relent control is the equivalent of defeat.

The thing about this cycle is that if someone breaks it, they actually have to have a whole paradigm shift. It is a completely different way of seeing things when you start trusting in yourself and trusting that children will thrive and succeed without being controlled. It also means that we must be able and willing to accept and forgive ourselves for the choices they we may have made in the past that have had negative effects. It is easy to become defensive and say that it didn’t happen, or minimize the effects, but it is not constructive to do so.

It is time that we stop this cycle.

If there is anything that we wish to change in the child,

we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could better be changed in ourselves.

~C.G. Jung

Continue to read: Discipline and How Non-Punitive Parenting Works

Catching up….

Last weekend with all we did in the house, I didn’t get around to taking the holiday pictures that I wanted in front of the tree to include in the family picture book I am making. So on Monday, I asked all the kids to get dressed, got dressed myself and took pictures. Simon wasn’t there and Wilhelmina was in a bad mood, so taking pictures was a bit interesting, but it worked!

Not only did I get photos of the kids, Xavier took the camera and got some photos of me and Willa as well…

And even a rare photo of me nursing… not that I don’t nurse often… it feels as though she is always nursing at the moment… but because it is rare that I am in front of the camera instead of behind it. Honestly, the only way I get pictures of myself is when I ask for a picture to be taken…

She looks so small cuddled in my arms nursing…

Another thing we did last week is to go to the hospital with Wilhelmina for a follow-up Mag3 Renal scan…. The test was a bigger one than I thought. For the other tests in nuclear medicine she would have a dye injected and then we would wait a few hours and then head back for images. This test however started the second that the dye was injected and because timing is everything in this one, and there were two injections involved and her bladder needed to drain etc. our first stop was the nursing station where she had an IV and catheter put in. The nurses were amazed at how well she reacted to having the IV put in. She wasn’t happy, but didn’t fight and didn’t need to be held down. I told them that her veins were awful and they saw what I meant when they put the needle in and her vien rolled away. The nurse was patient, took a deep breath and changed the needles direction and got it. Only one poke and a rare one of the many, many IV’s that blood return. The second she got it and I told her “I love you” she said it right back directed at Wilhelmina for how easy she made it. They hooked up the IV so that she would be hydrated and then put the catheter in which was not fun at all. When the catheter was in she cried and cried and screamed peepee until I told her to just let it go and pee around the catheter… she did and it helped.

We headed to the nuclear department and she was strapped to the table (her arms free) and they injected the dye and the test started. The camera was under her and nothing moved so she just talked to me, watched a movie and held my hand. At the 30 min mark they injected a diuretic (the goal of the test is to see kidney function and see how well they drain) and they helped her empty her bladder with the help of the catheter and she stayed calm through the whole test. Another 25-30 min later they analysed the test quickly to make sure at least 70% of her kidneys had drained, they did so we were able to leave right away.

We went to see her doctor after the test but he was in surgery so the secretary said that we would get the result either by the end of the day or the day after… He called the next morning to tell us that everything looked great. Only one more test in a month and then we will hopefully be able to put this all behind us.

The last thing I want to catch up on is what we are doing in the house. I am not completely finished the kitchen but we are a bit closer. I was able to clear up a problem spot that we had next to the water machine.

I found a picture of what it used to look like… that little container with drawers was where we kept blank paper, makers etc… and that basket above it was mostly things that I wanted access to but that did not have a “home”. We would tidy it up often but within a day or two it would go back to looking like that…

Furthermore, I had a high storage bin with drawers in the sewing room with craft stuff that was never being used because it was out-of-the-way. So I decided to bring that into the kitchen in the opposite corner, clear it out and again only keep what we will use. that cleared up more than enough space to put the stuff that was in that basket. The smaller bin now has a crayons, pencil crayons and markers all in their respective drawers and can be put on the table when the kids are using it.

That space that got cleared up ended up being the perfect size for my dehydrator. I was getting ready to put the dehydrator in a bottom cupboard but that would mean that I would have to get it out and move things around when I wanted to use it. So having it out-of-the-way but plugged in is great for me and now I have that much more counter space back. It’s great!

I also did my kitchen drawers. I was surprised that I didn’t need to take much out as I use most of it on a regular basis, but it did need a big over haul of organization and once that was done it looked like it al took up only half the space that it did before.

The other thing we tackled was our room. I went through my clothes and took out what I just don’t wear even though I might like the idea of wearing it and then cleared out our closet and got all of the dust out. We really don’t have much clothes hanging so our next step might be to put Simon’s dresser in the closet and then we could put Wilhelmina’s toddler bed in our room, she has never slept apart from us but I think it would be fun for her to have a space of her own.

So the big cleanup is continuing and our regular house work seems to be suffering a bit because we are focusing on the stuff behind the scenes. But when we do clean up now, things are actually being put away instead of travelling from one temporary home to another and are now gaining permanent homes.

I am loving the results and can only see more positive ahead.

Myths of Elimination communication (EC)

I don’t know why I read the comments that come after articles about EC on mainstream sites. The comments are not only full of myths, but they are down right mean, and this is because someone chooses to communicate with their baby, and chooses to help them eliminate in another place than a diaper and the comments are made often just because they have a fear or a misunderstanding of the unknown.

So, I thought that I would touch on some of these myths. A few that I even believed in many moons ago (Xavier was 100% diaper trained and potty-trained)

Also… These are taken from actual discussions.. so they are things that people really do believe.

Myth #1: “Infants don’t have any control or awareness of their elimination and are not psychologically ready until they are around 2-3”.

This is of course what we are taught right? That potty training happens when kids are ready… most often after 2 and most likely around the age of 3 or even up to 4 or 5. How can a newborn know what a 3-year-old needs to be “trained” to do?

This might be a bit long but the first thing to do it look back about 50 years when our parents were babies; look back 30 years when we were babies and look at the history of diapers and potty training in our culture. (80% of the world uses EC like techniques so this is idea is very culture specific)

Up to about 60 years ago the only choice in diapering was cloth diapers. Not the fancy-schmancy cloth diapers that we have now, but just a piece of cloth held up with a pin… not even a water proof cover. Without a machine operated washing machine, diapers were washed by hand or more-often than not, if it was just urine, were not washed at all, and instead were just hung up to dry. Because of this, parents were motivated to get their babies out of diapers as soon as possible which for most, was before a year of age. The potty training methods of this time were not the child-led ones that we have today, they were at times physiologically damaging and in some cases led to life long problems. I think that this early potty training, is where this myth starts.

In the 40’s/50’s a few things happened: Washing machines evolved in a way that diapers could be washed more easily, and the first waterproof cover was invented. The first disposable diaper was also invented (though were much too expensive to be used by most) and a child-led method of potty training started to be recommended by doctors and by pediatric groups. This meant that Parents started potty-training when the child showed signs of readiness instead of it being the parent’s choice. Disposable diapers became readily available and affordable in the 1970’s and over the next 30 years became the highly absorbable, “dry” diapers that we have today. Not only that, but in the last decade, the cloth industry also started to gain fashion and started mimicking it’s disposable cousin, being easy to use and wicking moisture away from the skin and keeping babies dry and comfortable. But these changes are why we now see potty-training in the way we see it today and why it is often seen as such a milestone that comes later and later.

So, before the 1950’s most babies were trained by a year with a strong push from parents, but by the 1970’s the average crept up to about 18-24 months and now it is at an average of nearly 40 months with some being trained “early” between 18-24 months and with others going up to 60 months (that is 5 years old btw).

Of course, training them to use a diaper and then waiting for them to initiate potty-training in this day and age is something very different from it was even 2-3 decades ago. As babies are trained to use diapers, they are taught to ignore their bodies and because of that, they lose the ability to control and no longer need to be aware and lose that awareness. Though they do not enjoy being wet or soiled, diapers (disposable and many of the new cloth diapers) have evolved in a way that they do not feel the discomfort. Diapers are designed to stay dry and keep moisture away, the better they work, the longer children will not see the need to do differently. Also, In the 1970’s disposable diapers were bulky and didn’t wick away moisture as they do now and they only came in three sizes. The more absorbent and thin they got, and the more sizes came out, the longer it took for children to be out of diapers.

So that is a very short history of diapers and potty-training, and given this history I can see why the myth is believed, if you equate EC to potty training.

What is missing though is that Elimination Communication is not potty training, it is about communication. Big difference!!

EC has nothing to do with training a child to use the toilet after having trained them to do a diaper, it is about tending to one of their basic needs.

Newborn babies sleep, eat and eliminate. That is what they do. When they communicate that they are hungry, we feed them. When they communicate that they are tired, we help them sleep. When they communicate that they need to eliminate, we help them do so. It is about responding to a child’s basic need. Contrary to what is often believed, infants, even newborns do have control over their sphincter muscle from birth. The bladder fills, they feel the pressure, they release the muscle and go. The same with bowel movements. ALL babies communicate in some way when they feel that pressure and it gets uncomfortable, just as they communicate the need to eat or sleep. They may cry out unexpectedly, they may pull away from the breast, they may have a certain facial expression, they may wake up from sleep suddenly, there are many different signs. Now, it is true that the muscle is not 100% mature, and that maturity is something that happens when children are between 12-24 months, with an average of 18 months, but when it is mature, that is when toileting should be complete, not when it should start.

Think about it, especially parents of boys, how many times have you taken a diaper off only to have baby pee? Keep that image in your memory.

With diapering, we choose to ignore the signals that our children are telling us and teach the baby in turn to ignore the sensation and simply use the diaper as a toilet, only to have to re-train them to do the opposite later on. With EC, the parent chooses instead to tune in to the signals and helps the child eliminate away from themselves (over a bowl, potty, sink, toilet etc)

Instinctively, fresh air is actually “trigger” to eliminate, as the parent will undress/uncover the baby when they signal, so when you think back to the baby boy peeing when the diaper is taken off, and even the products that have been created because of that, you will understand that it is not just a coincidence. It is what is natural.

Babies instinctively do not want to soil themselves and will wait and “hold it in” to eliminate where it is more comfortable to do so. They have the muscle control from birth, they communicate the need to go and EC is simply about responding to that need as you would respond to other needs. But if you ignore it, you are training them to ignore their bodies and training them to use a diaper.

So going back to the myth… It is completely false. Babies are ready to eliminate at birth, it is a basic need. They have control and awareness and communicate the need as much as they do other needs and do not enjoy soiling themselves. There is nothing damaging in responding to a babies need.

Myth#2: “just another classic sign of parents “rushing” their children to grow up.. they’re babies, so let them be babies.”

Who says that part of being a baby is wearing diapers? Why is diaper training an essential part of babyhood? What about cribs, bottles, strollers, pacifiers… I used none of these and I “let my babies be babies”. Things do not make a baby a baby. What gets me the most about this myth it that it often comes from the type of parent that will then turn around and sleep-train a baby and talk about the important of independence.. This myth has nothing to do with what is normal and natural it has everything to do with what is more convenient for the parent and the fear of the unknown. EC is not about rushing babies to grow up, It is simply about responding to a need.

Myth #3: “the baby is not really potty trained with this method, the parents are!” or “You are all deluded. A baby cannot control their bodily functions at that age, be sensible, it is the parents who are trained here!!”

I agree, I am trained to respond to my babies needs. If they communicate that they are hungry, I am trained to feed them. If they communicate that they are tired, I am trained to help them fall asleep. If they communicate the need to eliminate, I help them do so in a clean and sanitary way. What is wrong with that?

Whats the difference between a newborn signalling they have to go to the bathroom and me bringing them over the toilet, or my now 21 month old daughter running to the bathroom and calling “mama” to help her get on the toilet. Nothing.

I am am just responding to her request the way I did when she was a newborn.

Myth #4: EC is unclean and unsanitary or “EW, I don’t have the time to clean up pee and poop all day, I would rather spend time with my baby”

The myth here is going back to the idea that babies have no control and just pee and poo everywhere all of the time. This is not true. Yes, there can be misses or “accidents” but once EC is well established and going well, the misses and accidents cause much less mess that the messes that occur with diapers. Have you ever experienced a blowout??? Talk about messy! Furthermore, when you are ECing, most misses are pee, as poop is often the easiest to catch and babies will most often wait to do them. Also, this myth is also assuming that EC has to be diaper-free. Yes, it can be, and when it is going well it often is, but many people who EC use training underwear or even diapers as back up. They simply take the diaper off or pull the underwear down when it is time to eliminate in the same way as we do when we go to the bathroom. Colin and Khéna both used diapers as back-up even though we ECed, I would often change a diaper at the end of the day because it was the thing to do, just like you change underwear, not because it was dirty.

Myth #5 “Wow. Someone has no real life. Imagine being able to sit there, 24 hrs a day, just watching your kid for signs that he/she has to go potty. ???” or “I’d rather have a life and actually go out and have fun with my baby”

Would you not go out with a baby because they might get hungry? How about if they get sleepy? What if you have to go to the bathroom while you are out, or what about your 10-year-old? You just deal with the situation when it arrises. If you see that baby has to go to the bathroom, you bring them. You can bring a potty, you can use a toilet etc. Once you get used to the signs, and equally important the timing, EC outside of the home is actually often easier than in the home. If a baby is not trained to use the diaper as a toilet, they will wait until you bring them to an appropriate place, just like an older child that tell you they have to go the bathroom. You can’t wait for an eternity but it is also not an instantaneous thing. And don’t forget, you can use diaper back-up.

Myth #6: “EC takes so much longer than potty training. Why would I choose to do something over 18 months when I could do it in just 1 or 2 months when they are ready?”

If you are not familiar with EC or still a bit confused, this statement might make sense. The problem is, this myth is equating EC to potty-training and ignoring, or not understanding that the goal of EC is not potty-independence, it is Communication. However, being potty independent is something that does happen at the end.

Myth #7: “That’s absurd, a 3 month old can’t sit on a potty!!!”

Well… actually some can 😉 Some can even do it earlier. But that’s not the point. There are many alternatives to sitting on the potty for a small baby. Again, EC is not about potty-training. The goal is not to sit on the potty by themselves, the goal is to help a baby eliminate when the express the need to do so. A parent can hold them over a potty, a bowl, a sink, the toilet or any other receptacle and then when they are ready, the will be able to sit on the potty also.

So these are some of the myths I have come across just by reading the comments after one article and it is basically summed up more of the myths that I have heard over the years. If you have others, I would love to hear them and debunk them…

Finding balance…

It is often a question that comes up in parenting, especially when you are co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing and especially homeschooling… How do you find Balance?

However, first things first. What is Balance?

A few years ago I hated the word. Going back to the origins of this blog, it was because of the term “balance” that I started. I was the host of an attachment parenting board on a very mainstream site and all over the board was the term “balance”. See, Dr.Sears was/is a big part of beginning “APers”, especially a decade ago when the components (babywearing, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, birth bonding etc) were not talked about and were not mainstream and resources were still quite limited. So being AP was often referred to as a “checklist” and was often about following the the 7 B’s. (OK… another reason I left is that I grew past the term AP) Of course one the Sears’ 7 B’s was balance. So, on the board and in other places, when the topic of co-sleeping came up as not working then in the name of balance, CIO was all of the sudden acceptable. When breastfeeding was tiring and a baby was nursing too often, then in the name of balance you have to wean or give a bottle. So, each time I saw the term balance it in relation to parenting it meant meeting a parents needs at the expense of the child’s needs. It was used as a what I saw as an escape hatch when things were not going as expected. Instead of changing expectations, and doing things a bit differently, it was a way to justify choices… and of course who can argue when someone says that it is done on the spirit of obtaining balance?

But that is not Balance… that would be what I call teeter-tottering… one or the other, all or nothing.

So again, what is Balance?

Wiki has a good description… “In the metaphysical or conceptual sense, balance is used to mean a point between two opposite forces that is desirable over purely one state or the other…. balance being the point that minimizes the negatives of both.”

And how do I find balance? More often than not, achieving balance for me, is not just about finding “me time” and doing things for myself but it is about changing my perspective about the whole situation to begin with. It is about accepting that compromise really does need to be both ways and that basic needs are non-negotiable.

So why is changing perspective the way to achieve balance? Because it is a way to not feel stuck anymore. When I feel stuck, the only way that I see to be unstuck is to do the opposite of what I am doing. But it is usually not the right thing to do. So, by challenging my perspective on things I am able to see the alternatives that will minimize the negatives on both sides.

If I am feeling stuck that my newborn needs me 24/7, the expected answer might be that I need to get away from the situation by having “me time”. Black or white situation. One or the other. But for me that is not balance. If I step back and challenge my perspective I am able to open up to compromise. How can both my baby’s needs and my needs be met at the same time? When I find the answer, I feel relieved because I am not only no longer stuck but I feel balance.

Sometimes, there doesn’t even have to be an alternative solution and balance can be part achieved by solely changing perspective.

One example that comes to mind is baby sleep. In our society, babies are expected to sleep through the night, in their own space, by a certain age even though it is not biologically normal to do so. The expectation is there, and when that expectation is not met, then the parent feels stuck and feels that what they are doing is no longer correct (this often happens at the 8-9 month mark when all kids go through a rough sleep time). So, even though the parent might not have believed in it before, if they feel stuck because of their expectation, then the only alternative is to do the opposite. The thought being, I feel stuck in what I am doing so to achieve balance and feel unstuck, I need to do the opposite. But when I parent steps back and changes their perspective, changes their expectations, the unstuck feeling goes away and then it is no longer a black or white situation. The ‘problem’ might have other solutions or might not actually be a “problem” to begin with.

Another example can be “couple time”. Some people see that couple time is something that is done out side of the house, away from kids on a regular basis. If they don’t get to go out, then they feel stuck. They may even feel that not having that time will be detrimental to their couple. But, if you change perspective you may see that being a successful couple doesn’t need to depend on having alone time without kids. It doesn’t mean that it will never happen but it means that if it doesn’t it is not a big deal. There are many other ways to stay connected even if you have kids around. You can find balance by changing perspective.

This is the same thing that happens in other aspects of parenting…

Looking back at a few old posts…

this about achieving balance in the house without punishments and rewards by changing perceptions and expectations.

this one is about finding a balance between child-led living and authoritative parenting.

This is an old one (2005) and was in part a response to being attacked for being a SAHM in a ‘mommy war’ situation. I wouldn’t write it the same way and might very well rewrite is one day because the overall message is about finding balance and changing perspective to feel comfortable the role as mother. Defining a woman in our society…