a hippie with a minivan

Exactly…

I am having a bad day…

There is no reason really, but the messy house wasn’t helping…

Then… there was a Bionicle on the floor. Actually, there were many Bionicles on the floor right in the middle of the living room and the boys were nowhere to be seen… The Bionicles were also nowhere to be seen as the boys had conveniently covered them with a blanket.

If you don’t know what Bionicles are, they are from Lego and they are robots that you can build. Of course like Lego, if you step on a piece. Well, you know what happens… it hurts.

Again, I am in a bad mood…

I stepped on a Bionicle… and yes, it hurt…

So, of course I did what came rationally to me at the moment… I threw said Bionicle…

down the stairs….

It wasn’t my proudest moment…

A few minutes later I overheard Colin and Khéna downstairs…

Colin: What happened to your Bionicle?
Khéna: Mama THREW it!!
Colin: Why?…
Khéna: I don’t know!
Colin: huh… I guess she malfunctioned…

yes… exactly…

Withdrawing…

I feel like I am withdrawing right now.

I go through phases like this once in a while… maybe it is the season, maybe it is just because I have so much on my mind but I feel like I am ignoring the computer, ignoring the blog, ignoring my friends. I don’t want to because I don’t enjoy feeling this way.

To my friends, if I am not calling you as much right now… it is not because I don’t want to talk 🙂

The only thing that I am not withdrawing from is the family… at this moment I feel even more connection with the kids. As much as I need to work through all my feelings, I also see the need to keep the kids informed to all of the decisions that we are making. At first they were apprehensive of this move and of selling the house but now they are actually getting excited and are able to understand that we need to let go of things. Especially Xavier, he may be the oldest but he is also the one that has the most trouble with change. He is maturing so much however and this whole situation makes that even more apparent and is making me see him and the others in slightly a different light. It’s hard to explain.

In light of the move… The offer on the house fell though this weekend. Everything was looking great and they wer going to have an inspector come in the next few weeks, but the bank called them and said that they finally couldn’t transfer their mortgage… So now we are waiting again… we put up a sign in our window and now we need to put one on the lawn to draw a little more attention. I have the house up for sale on the internet in various places but I know that selling by owner there is less exposure so it might take a while. In a way, I am happy because then we have time to do all of the things that we need to do. In another way I hate it, because now we have a reason to procrastinate and not do the things that we need to do. I think I work better under pressure at times.

Putting the sign up in front of the house was a big step for me but came easily when I finally did it. What it meant is that we are finally telling everyone, something that I am finally starting to be comfortable with. Though we still have not told everyone yet. My next door neighbour did call me though a few days after… I had talked to her about the possibility that we might put the house up for sale but she was still surprised to see the sign. She told me that she is sad to be losing us as neighbors,

I need to make more effort… I need to get things done around the house, I need to reach out to people more, I need to stop procrastinating, to stop withdrawing.

The biggest thing right now is that I am starting to really feel at peace with our decision. Though it is scary and there is so much unknown, I am looking forward to it so much. I can’t wait until things start moving… I got in the car the other day and I could imagine it being the start of the long trip west and it felt so good.

Oatmeal cream pies

Oh…. These are good…

I mean… If you like vanilla icing sandwiched between the perfect buttery oatmeal cookie.

They are very sweet and rich and I admit that I won’t be making them too often because of that but I had to try them when I saw the and I am so glad I did, because in doing so I think I did find the perfect oatmeal cookie recipe! Now i am going to work on tweaking the cookie part so that it will be a bit less rich but keep what I love about them… Slightly crisp but still tender…

The kind of oatmeal cookie that I have been searching for and not cakey cookie that I often end up with….

For the cookie….

1 1/4 butter
1 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
11/2 cup flour
3 cup oats
1 egg
2 tsp vanilla
1 tsp baking soda
1/2 tsp salt
1/4 tsp cinnamon

For the creme filling

1/2 cup butter
2 cup powdered sugar
1-2 tbsp whipping cream

Directions

Preheat oven to 375
Beat butter and sugar in a bowl until light and fluffy, add egg and vanilla
In another bowl, combine flour, soda, salt, cinnamon and then add oats.
Add to butter mix and blend well
Drop by rounded tbsp 2 inches apart on parchment lined baking sheet
Bake for 10 min
Cool on racks and when cool, fill with filling

Put one foot in front of the other….

And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

You never will get where you’re going
If you never get up on your feet
Come on, there’s a good tail wind blowing
A fast walking man is hard to beat

Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking cross the floor
Put one foot in front of the other
And soon you’ll be walking out the door

If you want to change your direction
If your time of life is at hand
Well don’t be the rule be the exception
A good way to start is to stand
….

OK… OK…. it’s not the holidays anymore but this song from the old animated “Santa Claus Is Coming To Town” has been running though my head these last few days..

No, I am not trying to change from bad to good, but things are steadily moving and it is because I keep on forcing myself to just take that next step, to put one foot in front of the other. Doing so is actually make things change and each step brings us one step closer to where we want to be…

This weekend we got the house all clean and ready for a home visit… actually two home visits! One of them was a call out of the blue that we got on Saturday but the other was the girl that had contacted me with interest in the house. She came over on Sunday afternoon with her daughter, and spent an hour here looking around, taking pictures and asking questions. She loves the house and they are going to the bank tomorrow and if everything is OK, then they will be making an offer.

I have been taking more pictures of things to try to sell these days and have been putting them up and putting the money we are getting in out “moving jar”. I am finding it hard at times because it feels like I am attached to stuff that I don’t even use… like some of the kids toys… but I also know that we won’t miss it and that I don’t want to move it… it is SO hard!!

I would love any tips of how people deal with getting rid of things… how to let go… I don’t understand why it is so hard for me…

On big thing that I am worrying about at the moment is financial stuff. We have a comfortable life right now. We don’t have much extra but we are not struggling and it is good. But where I want to go is somewhere where not only we will have a lot less money, even when we find a job, but rent will be more than what we are paying from our mortgage now…

I feel panicky when I think about it… how will we get by? how will this work?

I feel like the chips will fall into place but what if they don’t… what will we do?

The fear of failure or hardship is what has been stopping me from making these steps before and that fear is still immobilizing now…

But then I think of this quote…

?”Why not go out on a limb? That’s where the fruit is.”

~~Will Rogers~~

Holding my breath…

Since the house went up for sale I feel like I have been holding my breath…

There is a part of me that wants it to sell fast and just move to the next step and there is the other part of me that doesn’t want any change. I think the part of me that doesn’t want any change is not only scared but is also a bit lazy.

I mean, selling the house means that I need to get into gear and keep the house clean and keep on decluttering… so of course I rebelled against myself and went ahead and bought the juicer that I have been wanting.

(Omega 8006)

Something else to move of course, but on the flip side, hopefully getting more veggies in my diet will help me have more energy… and honestly, I don’t think I will be able to afford it once we move…

This weekend we went through Wilhelmina’s drawers, taking out everything that doesn’t fit and adding clothes that we had ready for her size. I have already given about 4 Garbage bags full of old clothes but I keep on finding more bags and bins everywhere. Though I would like to continue to give all the clothes away, I have decided that I was going to put in the time to take pictures and try to sell some of it. We have to think about actually funding this move and every little bit will help at this point…

juicer aside…

So since this morning I have been choosing the pieces of clothing that still look good after four kids, putting them into age groups and taking pictures. The rest will be given away as usual. I seriously don’t understand how we have accumulated SO much! But I guess that is what happens when you put things aside instead of dealing with it as it comes.

There is so much that needs to be done before we move.

*******

This post lay dormant on my computer today as I wrote bits and pieces of it… and then just while I was making supper I got a message over facebook with interest in the house. She asked tons of questions and asked for more pictures and knows and loves the neighbourhood and was actually looking for a house here. They already had an appointment at the bank next week to see if they could transfer their mortgage and they think that this would be the perfect house… wow! Even more perfect is that they are not in too much of a hurry to get in right away because they also have a house to sell… so we would have a bit of time to get ready 🙂

I am a bit in shock at the moment…