I feel like I am withdrawing right now.
I go through phases like this once in a while… maybe it is the season, maybe it is just because I have so much on my mind but I feel like I am ignoring the computer, ignoring the blog, ignoring my friends. I don’t want to because I don’t enjoy feeling this way.
To my friends, if I am not calling you as much right now… it is not because I don’t want to talk 🙂
The only thing that I am not withdrawing from is the family… at this moment I feel even more connection with the kids. As much as I need to work through all my feelings, I also see the need to keep the kids informed to all of the decisions that we are making. At first they were apprehensive of this move and of selling the house but now they are actually getting excited and are able to understand that we need to let go of things. Especially Xavier, he may be the oldest but he is also the one that has the most trouble with change. He is maturing so much however and this whole situation makes that even more apparent and is making me see him and the others in slightly a different light. It’s hard to explain.
In light of the move… The offer on the house fell though this weekend. Everything was looking great and they wer going to have an inspector come in the next few weeks, but the bank called them and said that they finally couldn’t transfer their mortgage… So now we are waiting again… we put up a sign in our window and now we need to put one on the lawn to draw a little more attention. I have the house up for sale on the internet in various places but I know that selling by owner there is less exposure so it might take a while. In a way, I am happy because then we have time to do all of the things that we need to do. In another way I hate it, because now we have a reason to procrastinate and not do the things that we need to do. I think I work better under pressure at times.
Putting the sign up in front of the house was a big step for me but came easily when I finally did it. What it meant is that we are finally telling everyone, something that I am finally starting to be comfortable with. Though we still have not told everyone yet. My next door neighbour did call me though a few days after… I had talked to her about the possibility that we might put the house up for sale but she was still surprised to see the sign. She told me that she is sad to be losing us as neighbors,
I need to make more effort… I need to get things done around the house, I need to reach out to people more, I need to stop procrastinating, to stop withdrawing.
The biggest thing right now is that I am starting to really feel at peace with our decision. Though it is scary and there is so much unknown, I am looking forward to it so much. I can’t wait until things start moving… I got in the car the other day and I could imagine it being the start of the long trip west and it felt so good.