UP/UC – Page 7 – a hippie with a minivan

another day…

Well another day has passed… I am still spotting, no clots but still red and very much there and enough to not look like will be finished today… I think I have a little while yet…

Simon went to work today, no need for him to stay home because I think that the worst is already over and now it is just the wait… I went and got supper and I noticed that I bleed a bit more when I am out and walking…I didn’t feel like leaving the house but it sure felt good to do so…

At this moment, though I want to still be pregnant, if I am honest with myself I don’t think that I am anymore. However, In the back of my mind there is still a tiny bit of hope and I may pick up a dollar store test next week or something just to help settle my mind…

I am sad, but I don’t think that it has hit me yet… I think it because I am still not 100% sure… I think it would have been easier in a way if the signs were not as mild as they are compared to what I have been told, have read or had imagined… but now I just keep teetering…

This uncertainty is hard… I am a kind of person that is impatient and hates to wait, but I guess it is one of these times that there is nothing to do but wait…

I wasn’t completely ready for another little one to be added to the family, but the possibility and the potential loss has given me an ache and I don’t think I will want to wait too much longer to do so…

Still hanging on…

I went to bed at about 8pm last night, watched a movie on my Zune and fell asleep around 9… This morning at 4am I had a cramp and went to the bathroom and was bleeding more and passed a few clots… I had a few cramps but nothing bad and they would go away when I turned over… so nothing like labour pains but I thought that the real thing must be coming so I asked Simon to stay home…

Yesterday what was really hard was that I felt a bit lightheaded and I had the stress of thinking something may happen and that I would be alone with the kids…

He stayed and when he got up to send an e-mail to his work I fell back asleep… I got up a bit later and the bleeding was less again…

I came upstairs and had another light cramp and felt another small gush and passed another clot… the bleeding has again been less since then…

After a while I thought of calling the midwife that had come to my house two days after Khéna was born and that had filled in the papers for the birth registration… I called her home and was given her cell number… she remembered me well and I explained the situation and she told me that it was not over yet and that it doesn’t sound at all like a miscarriage at this stage.. it may very well happen but it could also be unrelated… she confirmed what I thought that a miscarriage would be at least as heavy or heavier than my normal period and that I would most likely have strong cramps even at this early in the pregnancy and confirmed that it is best to stay home unless I was bleeding heavily enough to be filling two pads in an hour for more than a few hours…

If things happen, they will happen and I accept that… but it is not over yet…

So again, I am thinking and accepting the worst but I still have hope for the best…

it is an emotional rollercoaster that is for sure…

bleeding…

This is going to be a lot of TMI (to much information) so skip if you wish…

(more…)

worried…

I am bleeding a bit today…

There isn’t much, and by that I mean that it is not getting on a pad, ….but it is way enough to feel worried…

it is bright red, only when I wipe and I don’t have any cramping either… I just feel weird and numb right now…

Though I wasn’t planning on getting pregnant right away, I had accepted it and was getting excited… so now this just feels a little surreal…

It is one of those things that the more you read into it, the less sure and more confused you get. I know I just have to wait and see but I don’t know what to think, what to expect and I don’t feeling like this…