One of my main pregnancy symptoms has hit… Aversions…

I have a slight hint of nausea lingering at all times and I am having so many aversions… food that I usually like just don’t appeal to me…

If I make a meal that needs to cook for a while, by the time that it is done cooking I can’t stand to eat it and there are very few things that I really “feel” like eating…

So a few times this week I have made a supper and have not been able to eat it…

Last night I had take out and it felt really good to actually eat a full meal and then was able to eat the rest for lunch…

Why does our body do this to us… we are growing a baby but can’t look at food to even nourish ourselves…

I really hate the worry that I am having since I got my positive test… I think it is normal of course but it is hard and I had never really worried this much before…

Each time I go to the bathroom I am expecting to see blood… though I have never really had much nausea or many pregnancy symptoms in the early weeks (except for wit my loss)  I am finding myself wanting to get symptoms as unpleasant as they would be…

The slightest cramp of pulling has me worried and wondering… even though I know that it is totally normal and it just shows that the Uterus is growing and the ligaments are stretching…

another new thing this time, is that we haven’t shared the news yet… I talk to people on the phone and don’t mention it… not even my mom who was always the first person I called… I have only told a few of my close friends but not many and I am OK knowing that some will read it here…

The worry is not only the only thing of course that is keeping me from wanting to share the news, but it is the way that people may react that is making me not look forward to saying anything…

When Simon announced that I was pregnant with Khéna I listened in on the phone and his mother reacted by saying something like “Oh no… not for real”… I hung up the phone, and though Simon explained that she seemed a bit happier for us after, the initial reaction has always stuck with me….

I know some think we are crazy to want another child, and though some days I might agree with them… especially when they are loud and crazy and my hormones are raging, it is our choice to make and they are not the ones raising them, feeding them and loving them….

another bunch most likely think that the only reason we would have another would be to “try for girl”…

What ever the reason, I can see us waiting to tell people when we see them and not going out of our way to announce the news… and I even feel like I would rather not tell until they notice it…

It just all feels so different this time…

Last weekend I spotted a bit…. it was the kind of spotting that reminded me of the implantation bleeding that I have gotten with each pregnancy (except the loss)…

On wednesday morning I woke up and took my temp like every morning and realized that it had been 4 days since the spotting… (with the boys I had gotten a positive test a few days after implantation) and because I had a test in the drawer in the bathroom I decided to “just see” and a line stared back at me…

Almost a week later and I am still in shock… I told two friends that day (and Simon) but I haven’t said anything to anyone yet IRL besides them…

This is the first time that we haven’t shared the news quickly and honestly I have been avoiding writing here because this blog is so much like a journal to me, but sharing is scary in a way because I am a bit afraid to get too attached, and the more I share with those who know me the more real it gets… I guess it just needs some time to sink in…and I need to just believe that things will work out…

So my EDD has been pushed back about 6 weeks from early Dec to mid Jan…

I wonder when the shock will wear off… hopefully before then…