Guilt…
What is it about guilt and parenting?
When I think of guilt I think that it is the feeling that you get when you know you are choosing to do something that you shouldn’t do, or know that is not the best choice. Guilt is something that is so personal and no one can make you feel guilty if you know that there are no other choices or that you are doing the right thing.
In the breastfeeding, birth, parenting and all the other debates the subject of guilt always come up… we must not talk about the importance of breastfeeding ,natural birth, gentle parenting, the benefits of baby wearing or co-sleeping and so-on because we might happen to make someone feel guilty…
That is completely absurd though…
Why not be able to speak the truth just because someone might have to face the choice they made?
Yes, there are of course those that could not breastfeed for whatever reason and some reasons of course are completely undisputable and many are simply because of lack of knowledge or support. Some may just not know better not to hit their children because they don’t know about alternatives, or had made their kids CIO because they thought it was best or the only choice they had…
But then I go back in that case to what feeling guilty is… it is feeling remorse for doing something that you know was not the best choice. However, If that choice has been taken away from you, then you may feel sadness, you may feel anger at the situation but you should not feel guilt… and if you made the choice that you thought was best at the time but later find out that you could have chosen better then there is no point in feeling guilty either… you cannot change the past but at the very least you can make different and better choices in the future or try your best to correct your mistakes… and not only should guilt not be felt but it should be important to get the right information out so that others do not go down the same path.
It is therefore important to talk about the importance of certain choices. There is no debate in the fact that formula is not equal to breastfeeding and that the lack of breast milk and the use of formula can cause sickness, diabetes, obesity, cancer, asthma and even death. Being unable to breastfeed must be hard to say least but there is a complete lack of milk maids in our society and time… and a lack of breast milk banks… and because those are not available, then formula is the next choice. Yes, it is not the best… but it is also no longer a choice… and it is the best you could do and it was done with the best intentions.
Of course there are those that do believe that formula is equal… or “just as good” as breast milk… or those who believe that not spanking is permissive parenting and that kids are not capable of being taught right and wrong without violence… or those that believe that kids just need to cry themselves to sleep because if not they will never learn how to fall asleep otherwise. But those are not the people that are likely to feel guilty, just as I will never feel guilty about breastfeeding, choosing not to spank or co-sleeping…
There was a time that I had no real qualms in feeding my children foods with harmful chemicals such as food dyes or artificial flavouring, I was watching out for other things that I did not want to feed them and thought that I was making good choices… and there are other choices that I made that I also did with the best intentions but now know better…
I do feel remorse for some of the choices I have made and I believe that I still experience the consequences of those choices at times… but I can’t change what I once did and did with good intentions, and I won’t stop someone from talking about those things even though it might make me remember my past choices… I can however work on repairing the damage and making better choices in the future… so I do not feel guilty and if I do then it is a sign that I need to work on forgiving myself and keep striving for better…
Anyway… my point is that I am tired of not being able to talk about things just for the fear of making someone feel guilty. Stating facts or sharing personal experiences is not something that people do to make others feel guilty (nor is it a direct judgement on others that don’t make the same choices… but that is another post… 😉
If you feel guilt then it is up to you to look at why and see what you can do to change that. Either by accepting that you made the best choice with the best intentions with the best knowledge you had at the time or that you can change something now or in the future to rectify it and feel better. I just wish that people could own their own feelings instead of trying to making others hide their feelings or hide the truth so that they just don’t have to think about it…
