Orgasmic Birth…

It has taken me so long to write about this but I guess it is better late than never…

On the 6th it was the “Orgasmic Birth” viewing here in Montreal. It was amazing!

The people, the atmosphere and of course the film…

I left home at about 2:45 with two of the local moms whom I had invited and we went out to eat before heading to the show… after eating and getting an ice cream we did one more errand and then headed to Vanier College where the film was being presented… We got there early and found a place to sit and by the time that film started the place was full… pregnant women, mothers, a few babies, doulas, midwives, midwife students, birth activists, dads and even a few doctors… the energy in the room was amazing.
While we were waiting, a woman sat down next to me… she was an older woman and we started talking and I asked her if she was in the birthing community, she said she wasn’t but that she had done her PhD in Birth many years ago and then talked about her birthing experiences, she had wanted natural births with her first daughter nearly 50 years ago she had been put into twilight sleep.. by her third child she was able to get the birth she wanted… she had taught in Vancouver and then retired back in Montreal and has not been part of the birthing scene in many years but had seen an editorial in the Montreal Gazette and wanted to check it out… The conversation we had was one that I will not soon forget.

The movie started, a few glitches of wrong subtitles and then started again… and about 1/3 of the way through there was a scene of a vacuum extraction and a c-section and the lights went up, a woman in the audience had fainted. I have to admit, seeing it that close up, on that big on screen was pretty pretty hard….

The movie started up again and when it was done it was time for the discussion panel. On the panel was Lysiane Gregoire, the president of the Groupe MAMAN,  Nicole Pino, a mom that had an orgasmic birth, Debra Pascali-Bonaro, the filmmaker, Celine Lemay, a midwife from Quebec (the one that had come here after Khéna was born and whom I had called a few weeks ago when I was bleeding) Betty Anne Davis, the co-autor of the homebirth study and midwife in Ottawa and Jack Newman, Breastfeeding Guru and pediatrician in Toronto.

the questions for the panel started out slowly but picked up soon after and the responses from the panel were amazing… Some were about the lack of midwife care in quebec, some were more technical questions or in need of opinion….

like a mom who was scheduled for a C-section for a breech baby seen on an ultrasound at 20 weeks!!! which in response one of the panelist explained that the recomendations are changing with respect to breech births because of the fact the problems that may occur in breech birth disspear by the age of two but that the rise of c-sections mean that there are more maternal deaths….  the problem now is that doctors need to change thier practices….

or a question about IV fluids in labour and how there is no standard and women are given Litres of fluid and how it effects birth weight and weight loss in babies (losing more than 10% of their weight after birth) because of excess water and then the breastfeeding relationship being threatened with supplements etc…

The questions and the discussion just kept on going until we were literally being told to leave by the campus security…

If you have the chance to get your hands on the movie, do it… it is really a great movie, well made and beautiful… and what is amazing about it is that it is being shown more and more to the birth “professionals” who have never seen a normal birth and for many it is changing their views… I ordered a copy and I can’t wait to share it also…

Pretty certain it's over now…

I woke up this morning spotting lightly…I checked my cervix and it was medium and closed and I wondered when it would end…

I went grocery shopping and the bleeding got a bit heavier and I felt really heavy and slow… by the time I got home I was not feeling the best…

I sat down with Khéna and he fell asleep and as I shifted my weight a bit and did an involuntary Kegal I felt that something was there…  I asked Simon to take Khéna and headed to the bathroom… a clot had come out… no blood or anything was with it… just a large clot that looked like a piece of liver… my cervix was open and I just knew at that moment.. it was most likely the end…

A little while later, I took a dollar store test that I had picked up today and it was negative…

My spotting is gone and there is nothing when I wipe… I can’t believe how fast that was….

I don’t feel pregnant anymore… I still feel strange that I didn’t bleed much, no where near what my normal period is…  and that I didn’t have any cramps either…

I am OK though… I think I knew the moment that I saw the blood last Monday… and really I think that I knew before…

I had debated with myself whether to share the news of my positive test here on my blog and decided I would because it is in many ways my journal… my way of remembering things which include even the earliest days of pregnancy and whatever comes with it and after it…

I am also glad that I did because I was able to get feedback and support in a time that I needed it and I thank those that followed me through this…

another day…

Well another day has passed… I am still spotting, no clots but still red and very much there and enough to not look like will be finished today… I think I have a little while yet…

Simon went to work today, no need for him to stay home because I think that the worst is already over and now it is just the wait… I went and got supper and I noticed that I bleed a bit more when I am out and walking…I didn’t feel like leaving the house but it sure felt good to do so…

At this moment, though I want to still be pregnant, if I am honest with myself I don’t think that I am anymore. However, In the back of my mind there is still a tiny bit of hope and I may pick up a dollar store test next week or something just to help settle my mind…

I am sad, but I don’t think that it has hit me yet… I think it because I am still not 100% sure… I think it would have been easier in a way if the signs were not as mild as they are compared to what I have been told, have read or had imagined… but now I just keep teetering…

This uncertainty is hard… I am a kind of person that is impatient and hates to wait, but I guess it is one of these times that there is nothing to do but wait…

I wasn’t completely ready for another little one to be added to the family, but the possibility and the potential loss has given me an ache and I don’t think I will want to wait too much longer to do so…

Still hanging on…

I went to bed at about 8pm last night, watched a movie on my Zune and fell asleep around 9… This morning at 4am I had a cramp and went to the bathroom and was bleeding more and passed a few clots… I had a few cramps but nothing bad and they would go away when I turned over… so nothing like labour pains but I thought that the real thing must be coming so I asked Simon to stay home…

Yesterday what was really hard was that I felt a bit lightheaded and I had the stress of thinking something may happen and that I would be alone with the kids…

He stayed and when he got up to send an e-mail to his work I fell back asleep… I got up a bit later and the bleeding was less again…

I came upstairs and had another light cramp and felt another small gush and passed another clot… the bleeding has again been less since then…

After a while I thought of calling the midwife that had come to my house two days after Khéna was born and that had filled in the papers for the birth registration… I called her home and was given her cell number… she remembered me well and I explained the situation and she told me that it was not over yet and that it doesn’t sound at all like a miscarriage at this stage.. it may very well happen but it could also be unrelated… she confirmed what I thought that a miscarriage would be at least as heavy or heavier than my normal period and that I would most likely have strong cramps even at this early in the pregnancy and confirmed that it is best to stay home unless I was bleeding heavily enough to be filling two pads in an hour for more than a few hours…

If things happen, they will happen and I accept that… but it is not over yet…

So again, I am thinking and accepting the worst but I still have hope for the best…

it is an emotional rollercoaster that is for sure…

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