Birthing choices…

A post on MDC got me thinking about the way that birth is thought about by UCer’s vs the Mainstream.

Many people on each side many believe that the other is putting themselves and their child in danger by making the birth choices that they are choosing. Personally I can see where each is coming from but of course I would more easily side with the extreme UCer.

On a post asking that was talking about the need of others to put UCer’s down because of the choices that they are making a poster said that it has to do in part with the lack of trust in others.

I read this and thought about it…

I think that the lack of trust in others is part of it but I do not think that it is the initial problem. The problem in not in the lack of trust in other people but the lack of trust in one’s self…

I see the problem being that women just don’t have the experiences of seeing how things are naturally done… in birth, breastfeeding and all of the other things that used to be taught by seeing (seeing sisters, mothers, cousins, friends, aunts etc) and trusting instinct…

Now most women seem to turn to books and “experts”… they have lost touch with the way things were and have lost touch with the confidence that comes with seeing these things throughout a lifetime, and instead have gained confidence in trusting others (books, doctors etc)

Some Women seem to have lost touch so much that they no longer trust their instincts at all and learn to put them aside and ignore them. They have lost touch completely with their selves in favour of listening to others… As a consequence they become helpless in a way… not uneducated really because they believe that the “expert” knows it all and will tell them what they need to know and they do internet searches or book searches and find the same information from other “experts”. (Though there are still some very uneducated women I believe that make very uninformed choices in pregnancy and birth) The next logical step in the slippery slope after losing that confidence in self, it is then to look for permission from the experts on most things (or for experts to “give” permission with use of certain language without giving the impression that they are taking that confidence away)

When things become normalized in a society then trust shifts… Until very recently trust within the realm of birth, breastfeeding, the raising of children was in the hands of women. Women of the community, women of the family and in the woman herself. When the shift started, and the trust was handed off to men and “experts” then not only did the trust shift but whole views shifted also. Knowledge that as once passed down from generation to generation was lost, knowledge that was once an integral part of womanhood was lost. The only way to normalize these things again is for women to regain trust in themselves and regain trust in other women that trust themselves.

At this moment I can not see it happening soon. Many women seem to not understand not trusting the “experts” on everything. Some women seem threatened by it. They have been taught, have learned from the people around them, and have learned from the women around them that the experts are to be trusted… it becomes what is normal, what it comfortable, what is to be done…

I do believe that there are some aspects of birth and health that are best handled by some experts. Though I don’t agree that we have the best experts in our society…

Our “experts” are products of the same society that puts all their trust in them. Such as many women seem to have lost touch with confidence in them selves and put all of their trust in doctors, those same doctors believe that they have all of the answers, should not be second guessed and expect the women to have little or no say in their care. This shows when women seem to be scared to talk to their “expert” doctors about doubts they have and why some doctors will be so insulted when woman goes against or second guesses their point of view (as seen by women who are “fired” by their OB’s for refusing tests, or families that are “fired” by the pediatricians for refusing vaxes)

In some places in the world premature babies are not kept in incubators, sterile environments with wires and monitors and tubes etc and deprived of human contact except for when an “expert” gives permission… Instead, they are released with their parents who are taught how to feed them and keep them warm by utilizing Kangaroo care 24 hours a day for weeks and months on end. Instead of being placed on oxygen to help them breathe they are places on their parent’s chest, instead of having monitors and machines to control heart rate, they are placed in their parents arms.

We have to start trusting nature, trusting our bodies and trusting ourselves again… when we do, I believe that birth will start seeing the shift it needs.

x-posted in my pregnancy journal

 

Psycho Doc strikes again…

So If you remember I talked about the psycho doc in the past… here and here

Well… a few times now I have gotten a few phone calls from moms that got really bad advice at the docs… and it was always her… her breastfeeding advice is horrible….
Anyways… A woman called me today and said that she is worried about her dd not gaining enough… the ped has her coming in every 15 days to weight her and is making her freak out… (guess who the ped is…)
Then of course she tells the mom that she has to switch breasts often because all of the protein in in the foremilk ???!!!! Tells the mom that at 10 weeks her dd should be sleeping through the night and should not have to eat at night and to just let her cry! Tells the mom that she is very worried about the weight gain (the baby was born at 6p 4 oz, went down to 5p 9 oz and was back up to birth weight in a week and now at 10 weeks is 9p 10 oz) she has the wet and dirty diapers, she has a good tone and is flourishing and is following her growth curb… nothing is wrong!! She also tells the mom to supplement… not at the end of a feeding of course, but at the beginning!!!
I have heard so many things about her… all from different moms and I experienced her too!! She tells moms that they have to Supplement until milk comes it if not baby will starve, not feeding at night by two months old, they have to use a paci if not the baby WILL die of SIDS etc…

It has gotten to be too much… I have had more then a few moms with problems and I have had the experience myself… so I KNOW that this doc is the problem…

So I called the center I volunteer at and told the secretary the problem and she was flabbergasted (she is part of the governing board at the center and had to get breastfeeding training also) and told me that she would pass the message along to the director and she would call me back… I know that the nurses union have already planned or had a meeting with this doc because of all the bad info and the director meets with them once a month so I know that this will go somewhere… I am just so mad!!! She seems really nice and so many people love her so I can’t imagine how many mom and babies are getting bad info and being made to starve and CIO from 2 months on!!!

* update…

The director at the center called me back and said to call the head nurse in charge of the family unit directly, since it would be easier and more precise (less heresay etc…)…

So I did, and I told her all my concerns and she was great… she took down the list and we talked a bit… she then said how she is going to go about approaching the issue without making a big deal of it so that the doc is not automatically on the defensive… first she is going to hand out the new WHO chart with the breastfeeding growth curb to “remind” her if she hasn’t seen it yet so that breastfed babies are looked at against a chart that is made for them….

Then, in a joking matter, she is going to say something like “can you believe that someone has been telling moms that babies should be sleeping though the night at 2 months” and then talk about how is can be detrimental to the nursing relationship/ mom’s supply etc… and she hope that it will open the way to other conversations about breastfeeding… It also seems that she was with the doc when she gave really bad advice to a new mom… of course since she is “just” a nurse she couldn’t say anything….

It seems that they really like the doc because she is good at finding problems that others seem to miss or can’t find… but her breastfeeding info sucks…
Personnally I think she Sucks!!!

a walk in the park…

At points I realize how different my children’s childhoods will be different then my own…

On the Mothering boards recently there was a post that made me think about the liberties we had as children that many children may no longer experience. The original post was a mom that was outraged by a child playing alone at the park without any adult supervision. At one point the boy’s mom checks in with the boy and he comes back saying he has another 20 min… the boy was about 7 years old.

Some other parents were also outraged on the thread… however, some it was for the fact that the boy was left alone saying that the mom saying that she is irresponsible and “depending on other parents” to watch over her son, “what if something happened?” etc , others was for the fact that we are so much in a fear based society that we see it as “criminal” for a 7 year old to be playing in the park by himself.

I was lucky living in the mountains, able to run, walk and hide in the forest, leave for hours at a time checking in with mom for lunch and then for supper. Even when we lived in the city I was able to leave home and have adventures as long as I didn’t cross any major street, at 5 I was taking the city bus to school alone. With one place we lived, with a slight detour under the bridge that housed the highway that went through town, I could go to the park, the beach, the mall and basically cross the whole town by crossing only one small street… My mom had no problem that I did such.

I was a child in the early 80’s. At that time there was not less crime or less dangers then there are today… there was however, less fear.

When I was a child, it was normal for a 7 year old to go to the park by themselves. It was normal to ride your bike to your friends house even blocks away. It was normal to go to the store to pick up milk and other things for your mom, or go buy candies and treats even though it was a good walk to the store. Now however, it seems what is normal has changed. Parents seem to be scared to let their children explore since they have been fed horror stories and fear based news. The “what if’s” seem to overrule the trust in the child. I do understand that there are some kids that at 7 and not as mature as other, however, I really think that the problem is based in the fear that parents have.

Now it is the norm to have scheduled play dates and activities. Have a full schedule with a parent bringing them everywhere or staying at home and doing nothing but play video games or ride their bikes in the driveway. Children are taught to fear the world and are not taught to take care of them selves. They are not given the independence they need and crave in order to grow. It seems so contradictory especially since most of these parents believe that children must be forced into independence as babies.

I really think that if you teach a child that they are always safe at home and give them strong and trusting foundation, that in turn you teach a child how to take care of themselves and they know when to come back home in a situation that may not feel right. I think that we must talk to them about our fears (not in a way to scare them but to make them aware and make sure that they will know what to do in situations), show them that we trust them to make the right decisions because they will then want to keep that trust and will do the right thing because it is the right thing to do. I refuse to teach my children to not talk to strangers (how will they learn to make friends?) however I will teach them limits.

I refuse to shelter my children from the world and I will not hide things from them. However, I will not teach then with fear and instead show them how to deal with situations that may arise.

Though my children’s childhoods will be different from my own, I do not want it to be as different as others are making it. I think the major difference will be in the way that others perceive the independence instead of the independence itself.

more sleep talk…

A few blogs that I read on a regular basis have in the last week talked about how they have turned to Ferber to train their kids. Reading these stories made me cry. I understand that they have been fighting with their childrens sleep for a while now and I understand that they don’t want to deal with it anymore. However, I can’t understand why they believe that making their children feel abandoned and Cry themselves to sleep is the way to resolve their “sleep issues”…

In their posts they make it known that it feels so wrong yet they “know” that it is the right thing to do. How can someone believe that? How can someone justify making their kid cry themselves to sleep… Oh yeah….. they believe that babies are better off in their cribs in a seperate room and beleive that they should be happy to sleep there, they wouldn’t dare let baby sleep in their arms or in their bed…. so they turn to making their children fall asleep from pure exaustion after having cried for however long…. of course the reasoning is that it works…. of course it works… the child cries and cries and nobody comes, night after night nobody comes… so why bother crying anymore.

I really think that the people that turn to these awful and sad “sleep solutions” really believe that their intentions are good and really do beleive that it is best for their children.This is what I find sad. How can crying yourself to sleep and giving up be the best thing.

There was an article that I quoted recently on my blog written by Dr. Gabor Mate.

Here are a few parts of the article…

Ferberization is the process of “training”an infant to sleep by ignoring her crying. As a family physician, I used to advocate the Ferber technique and, as a parent, practised it myself. Since then, I have come to believe that the method is harmful to infant development and to a child’s long-term emotional health.

Ferberization seems simple: “After about one week, your infant will learn that crying earns nothing more than a brief check from you, and isn’t worth the effort. She’ll learn to fall asleep on her own, without your help, reads Dr. Ferber’s advice. The question is, what else does a baby learn when treated this way and what is the impact of such learning?

People cannot consciously recall what they “learned” in the first year of life, because the brain structures that store narrative memory are not yet developed. But neuropsychological research has established that human beings have a far more powerful memory system imprinted in their nervous systems called intrinsic memory. Intrinsic memory encodes the emotional aspects of early experience, mostly in the prefrontal lobe of the brain. These emotional memories may last a lifetime. Without any recall of the events that originally encoded them, they serve as a template for how we perceive the world and how we react to later occurrences.


Is the world a friendly and nurturing place, or an indifferent or even hostile one? Can we trust other human beings to recognize, understand and honour our needs, or do we have to shut down emotionally to protect ourselves from feeling vulnerable? These are fundamental questions that we resolve largely with our implicit memory system rather than with our conscious minds. As psychologist and leading memory researcher Daniel Schacter has written, intrinsic memory is active “when people are influenced by past experience without any awareness that they are remembering.”

The implicit message an infant receives from having her cries ignored is that the world “as represented by her caregivers” is indifferent to her feelings. That is not at all what loving parents intend.

Unfortunately, it’s not parental intentions that a baby integrates into her world view, but how parents respond to her. This is why, if I could relive my life, I would do much of my parenting differently.

When the infant falls asleep after a period of wailing and frustrated cries for help, it is not that she has learned the “skill”of falling asleep. What has happened is that her brain, to escape the overwhelming pain of abandonment, shuts down. It’s an automatic neurological mechanism. In effect, the baby gives up. The short-term goal of the exhausted parents has been achieved, but at the price of harming the child’s  long-term emotional vulnerability. Encoded in her cortex is an implicit sense of a non-caring universe.

The baby who cries for the parent is not engaging in “tyranny”, she is expressing her deepest need.. emotional and physical contact with the parent. The deceptive convenience of Ferberization is one more way in which our society fails the needs of the developing child.

There is no lack of support for these moms either (on one blog there were hundreds of comments that supported CIO for a 6 month old). Even if it feels wrong to do it of they talk about it like it was their only choice and that it was the best thing to do, no one dare contradict them, they just get the stories of others that have done the same… and if someone does contradict them they are labelled as judgemental and “they have never been through it” blah blah blah…. Really, I think that the support is shared because of they really believe that this is the right answer and that because it felt so wrong, if they dare admit that they would have done things differently they would have to live with the guilt of knowing and that they potentially scarred their children for life based on their unrealistic expectations.

If so many children have “sleep issues” and have to be trained out of “desperation” then it is clear that the “sleep issues” are a norm. If they are the norm then it is clear that the real “sleep issues” lie within the parents expectations of the child and not what is physically and physiologically normal for the child. If people would stop fighting their children over when and where their children sleep, then sleep would not be such an issue. If a child wants to sleep in your arms, cuddled near your heart then so be it. Respect them and their needs. If you believe that your child must sleep in their own room alone and they do no want to because they want to be close to you, then recognize that it is not the child’s best interests that are served in such an arangement but it is yours. You are trying to force something that doesn’t feel right for the child, trying to force something that goes against the childs most primal needs. These unrealistic expectations are what leads to sleepless nights for so many people, the child just wants to be close to the person they feel safe with. Then of course, the only way to make the child conform to these expectations is to leave them there, to feel abandoned, to learn that no one will come, to retreat into their own space, to shut down, to give up.

I have to admit that I am “judgemental” when it comes to this and I am not sorry for it. (And no, Colin does not sleep through the night and still wakes up a few times to nurse, and occasionally so does Xavier) However, It is not really the mom that falls in the trap believing that this is the best for her child that I judge (though I cringe and tear up if I read it). It is whole movement in itself, the time-outs, the fear of “spoiling” the CIO…. All practices that work on emotional detachment in order to get what the parent wants while ignoring or denying the negative long term effects. All practices that make children know that their parents love is conditional. Conditional on behavior and time. It is a movement that has led us and will further lead us to a very untrusting and stressed out society.

Scary and Sad…

I had talked about the Pearls before in one of my posts. Their book is purely disgusting and makes me sick to my stomach, I really can’t talk about it but you can read about it here….

http://stoptherod.net/ttuac.html

and if you truly want to be masochistic and see how scary, sad and horrible these people are you can read the whole book here

Now they have been directly linked to the death of a child.

http://www.newsobserver.com/102/story/418676.html

It is truly sad and again disgusting. How can people actually think that children need to be beaten. The Pearls even say that you shouldn’t talk about it because it because people would just not understand… however, it is more likely that they know that it is purely child abuse and know people would be outrages if they knew.
As a Result of this a Boycott has been started….

BOYCOTT: Michael Mike Debi Pearl, The Old Schoolhouse Magazine, HomeschoolBlogger.com, HomeschoolBlogger, HomesteadBlogger, Homesteadblogger.com

Here is a link to Doc’s post that explains it all…

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