All About me – Page 30 – a hippie with a minivan

AAHHHHHHH!!!!

I just need to scream… wait I need to do it again… ARGHHHHHH!!!!!! Ok starting to feel better….

So yesterday we kept Colin temp under control and he actually was doing a lot better… In the morning I went to the pharmacy and stocked up on everything that I could imagine so that I will never see a seizure again… a new thermometer, tylenol and Motrin so that if one doesn’t work, I have the ther to alternate with.
I am am REALLY not a fan of giving medicine o even controlling a fever, but with Colin ad his history of fever spikes and having trouble controlling them I don’t ever want to take the chance again… I also picked up the prescription for antibiotics for his sinus infection… again another thing that I would have second guessed but with hi white blood cell count so low his body is just not strong enough to ward off such an infection without a big and long fight… so I welcome the help…
Anyways… he got a first doase at the hopital on sunday, we gave him three doses yesterday and yesterday he started throwing up and had diahrea… we wondered if it was just the virus progressing…
This morning when we got up he had hives and instanty realized that it was a reaction to the antibiotics (penicillin) so I brought Xavier to Daycare early, got them to give him breakfast and headed for the hospital. We waited about 5 minuted for Triage and were coded a priority 2, so we would go pretty fast…. (the waiting time for a priority 3 was about 18 hours!!!!)
About 40 minutes later we got in to see a doctor, got a new precription for a new antibiotic, codiene and benadryl to get the reaction under control and we were out the door…
I passed by a new clients home on the way to the pharmacy and she bought a wrap that I had in stock, answered a few questions about breastfeeding and headed to the pharmcy again….
Got the meds, came home, gave it Colin (2 of them have 10ml doses) ad then he threw it all back up a few seconds later… Arggh…. gave it to him again and he finally kept in down…..
And to top the day off… I started my Period… Like I really needed that today….
But, hey… it confirms my chart and when I think I ovulated….

And then the storm hit…

Well…. The weekend was long and hard…
Like I said in my last post on Friday, Xavier was coughing and Colin was feverish.. Well…Colin was sitting next to me and was falling in and out of sleep according to the little “ticks” he was having (you know he ones…when you fall asleep too quickly and feel like your falling… However, at about 6:15 the jumps became methodical…. Three in a row.. quickly I turned him around and what I saw scared me to death… his eyes were rolled back, and his face looked like it was made of plastic and I instantly realized that he was having a seizure. I got up with him in my arms and called 911…
An ambulance was on the way but wouldn’t be at our home for another 20 minutes…While talking to the operator I laid him down and waited for him to stop seizing. It felt like an eternity but it really lasted about 4 minutes… he finally stopped, I placed him on his side and he just laid there, whining and in a trance…
Simon got home…
I told him what happened and he stayed next to Colin while I got dressed and ready and waited for the ambulance, they finally arrived and we took his temp under his arm and it was just under 106 (about 41 c)… we got to the hospital, he was given “Tempra” to get the fever down and a preventative amount of Ativan (so that he wouldn’t seize again)
Simon, of course stayed home with Xavier…
We were admitted to the hospital… IV, tests and all of the whole yucky part that goes with it…
Friday night I was alone in the room, the same bed that he was in over year ago, for 5 days, at just 2 weeks of age, also because of a high fever. I rocked and nursed him for a few hours but he wouldn’t even close his eyes… at about 2am a nurse told me to lay down with him… he fell asleep a few seconds later, nestled next to my breast.
He slept until about 8:30 which gave us 6 hours of very uncomfortable yet good sleep… Saturday was a rough day… he was feverish and lethargic, not eating and could barely keep his eyes open. His day was highlighted by a visit from daddy and big brother Xavier and I got some clean clothes, a few essentials and the laptop to keep me company.
He was going to stay another night for sure but he was trying to get around more and kept on getting tangled in the IV and he was nursing quite a bit so I asked for them to take the IV out, or at least unhook it so that he could have some freedom to move…
The doctor said no saying that because his fever was so high they were scared that he would dehydrate… especially because his fever was still above 40…
I compromised with him saying that I wanted it taken out if his fever went below 40, he said OK hesitantly… the next time his temp was taken he was a bit below 40, I had them call him… They waited a bit longer then I would have liked but after asking again if they had called a few times it was finally taken out.
Two other babies arrived in the room on Saturday.
It was actually really nice.
One, in the morning, was with an anemic, non-weight gaining, refluxy 2 month old that slept all of the time, they had been in the hospital for a few days, where at home for 24 hours and then was readmitted…the mom left a bit to get some rest and the grandmother stayed a few hours and rocked her the whole time and we talked quite a bit… The other, a 10 month old little girl in for observation after her Walker (illegal in Canada BTW) fell down the stairs with her inside, arrived at about 10 pm…
After the 3 kids were asleep we stayed up talking…
Because we knew we would be up at midnight anyways, and it was already late, it seemed to make sense…it almost felt like we were having a mini pajama party (in a very unusual circumstances)… just talking and gossiping…
Like I predicted, Colin was up about 10 minutes before midnight and I laid down with him to sleep… At about 1:30, his temp was taken and it was about 39 (102), they gave him Tempra, and an hour later I woke up with him boiling next to me… It had went up to 40.8 (106)… We tried giving him a bit of Advil but it wouldn’t go down…
I had him drink some water and walk in the hall a bit and About half hour later his energy spiked for the first time in almost 2 days…
At 3am he played in the playroom for about an hour, doing a puzzle, playing with a stacking toy and the kid computer terminal… I saw my little boy come back to his normal self…
At about 4 I decided to make him fall asleep again… It worked and he slept until 8:30… he would have slept more but they needed to take blood… he was soaked in the morning and almost cool to the touch… his temp had gone down to about 36.5 (97.7)… And until 2pm he had no fever, was back to his normal self, and we had gotten the OK to go home *IF* his fever stayed away… But at 2 pm his fever was again at 39.5 (103).. More tempra, a good nap and he was up again playing and in a great mood but still has a high fever…
I made my mind up though that we were going home… fever or not…
The Results of the test finally came in today also…
It is most likely a nasty Virus…
The virus attacked his white blood cells making them almost dangerously low (his body is not equipped to attack another virus or bacteria) which is why he is also starting a Sinus infection. So Antibiotics to help him get rid of the infection and blood tests next week to make sure that his counts are up…
I was told that his body seems to be very susceptible to having very high fevers and developing them very fast. (given that this is the second time that he has been hospitalized for high fevers that can’t be controlled well) and susceptible in the future febrile seizures…
Anyway… I left the hospital at 8:30 tonight and I am so happy to finally be back home….

Another sad day… another little story

The very day that we arrived in Montreal back in 86 we went to see the fireworks. By chance we met up with an old friend of my mom’s from way back when… He was married at the time and they just had a baby… however, the relationship was far from good at the time..
Within a few years his marriage had fallen apart and I started to see him more and more often at our home. It was good, I liked him a lot and he was very respectful, of me and my mother.
When it was time for us to get a new apartment he asked me if I would mind if he moved in with us. He explained that he had not yet talked about it with my mom because he wanted my opinion first… with that move he got my respect and he became a very important part of my life, and within a month or two we were living as a family. I was in my early teens when he came into our home and quickly he became a father figure for me. He was a real “Dad” We had fun times, long talks, laughs, spats… he gave advice, looked out for me, presented me as his daughter, chauffeured me around… everything that I expect a “real” father would have done…
The thing about Roger was that he was just an amazing man…he was always the center of attention, he was always the one that everyone wanted to be with, he was the life of the party, he was a walking encyclopedia of music and sports, he was intelligent, he was street-smart, he was honest and thought good of everyone, he was hard working, he was sensitive, he was always there for the ones that he cared for, he was one of the most amazing men that I have had the honor of meeting in my whole life. All of these qualities made him loved by everyone and his job of barman was just a perfect match…
A few years ago he was diagnosed with Hep C… it scared him and he didn’t do the things that he should have done to get things under control… he was scared to leave a lifestyle behind that had been part of him for so long… At that point the relationship with my mom had also deteriorated and things were just a bit off for him… Not long after, he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and a tumor that was the size of a large orange was found in his liver that was beyond treatment.
He was given 9 months to live.
He was a grandpa, he was ready to leave a part of his life behind, he was ready to live better an healthier but it was too late…
He started on a experimental treatment that would help buy a little more time and through it all there where many ups and downs… He was so proud of me and he was so much in love with Xavier. They had an amazing relationship and they had a very special connection. Xavier loved his “Pops”
Soon after I found out I was pregnant with Colin, in the spring of 2004, Roger was going through very rough times. He was hospitalized a few times because his disease was affecting his brain making him confused and delirious, it had been a year that he had been diagnosed and we thought that he wouldn’t make it to summer… Summer came and so did cottage time and his spirits and heath rose… he was in good enough shape to enjoy the time that he and my mom spent up north, he was in good enough shape to help us put some paint on the walls, he was in good enough shape for us to have a great summer with him, I regained the hope that he would meet Colin… In September he was there when Colin was born and it was one of the happiest moments of my life…
However, his health went back down as the weather got colder, we celebrated his birthday on Oct 4th, we had a great Thanksgiving supper (the first traditional super that I have made) and we talked on the phone more and more often as we saw each other less and less as he got sicker… On Dec 7th of last year we talked on the phone, laughed and said I love you and during the night he took a turn for the worst and died in the hospital the next day…
It has been a year today and I miss him more then anything.. I still cry every few days, I still talk about him often with Xavier and Xavier still remembers him vividly…¦I don’t want him to lose that…
The world lost an amazing man one year ago today….

World AIDS day today.. a little story

On June 14th 1980 my mom met a man at his birthday party thrown by mutual friends and drew an instant connection with him.

He was gay and had always wanted a family and my mom was looking for someone to be part of my life also… a few months later he asked her to marry him, A marriage between friends, a family for him. But things where cut short because he was illegally in Canada at that moment. I am not too sure why exactly because I have heard many stories… but hadn’t been able to get across the border, so he had sneaked in through the woods north of Spokane WA…

He was discovered a few months later and had and had to leave immediately…

We headed to AZ a few months later, then he came back to see us and then again we went back to him… Around his birthday again in 1982 while we where in AZ he and my mom saw the “White Wedding” music video and decided to get married within a few days… On June 21st 1982, Miguel became my “Daddy”… and from that day forward I saw him as my Dad…. he was a big part of my life, his family became mine and he was proud of me…

My mom wanted to live in Canada and he wanted to stay in the US but that didn’t keep us apart for long. We either went to AZ or he was with us in Nelson.

The most important part of all of it was that he was committed to me, the marriage that he had with my mother was to become my father and it was a role he didn’t take lightly… However, in 1984, he found out he was HIV+ …

When we moved to Quebec however, things changed a bit because it was farther but we tried to get down to AZ as often as possible and we always had a relationship through the phone and letters….

He got more sick as the years past and in 1996 he was getting sicker but it was more because of the meds then the disease itself so he stopped talking the meds all together at that time… In April 97 I talked to him one day and he told me that his T-Cells count was down to 4… A few weeks later, on May 8th, a Thursday night, 13 years after he found out he was HIV+ , the night of my last College Exam and I was out partying, I came back to my boyfriends apartment and came face to face with a note from my mom… it was not like her to call without a reason and I learned a few minutes later that he had died that morning…

Miguel was an amazing, intelligent, funny, charismatic, handsome, loving man and the most amazing father that I could have had in those crucial year of my life…

I still think of him often, I still talk to my family in AZ, I wonder if he would be proud of me now, I would have loved for him to see his grandkids…

Most of all…..

I miss him…

Micheal “Miguel” Keith Kirkman

1944 -1997

My favourite colour is Red
I was born in Montreal
I was raised in Nelson BC by my mom
My mom has been married twice
My mom has been widowed twice
My Dad is still alive
My mom’s first husband and the first man that I saw to be my dad was gay… he died of Aids in 97
I met my dad when I was 9
I met Simon through a BBS
I got married in 1999 at 21
I wore my “Docs” sandals under my wedding dress
He wasn’t my “style” but I fell in love with him instantly
I never wanted to get married when I was younger
I have never thought I could feel so comfortable with someone
I hate when he is not home
I have ~~two~~ Three amazing little boys
I am Tandem nursing the boys and will nurse them until they self-wean. *update: I am still Tandem nursing but Xavier self-weaned just before his 5th birthday.
I feel sorry for kids that have never been breastfed
I was never breastfed because my mom needed to take meds and was told that she couldn’t breastfeed me
I want to have 4 kids
I am an only child
I have a half brother and a step-brother
I have always wondered what it was like to have a real sibling
I have always wanted children
I want to adopt
I want to homeschool
I want to have a hobby farm
I would love to live in a communal setting
I hate crowds
As a child we lived in a house without electricity or a bathroom
I also lived in a ’62 ford Econoline
I also lived in a tent for about 6 months
I have attended 11 schools, 6 of them before grade 6
I was in Foster care twice
My mother is/was a drug addict/alcoholic (and denies it)
My godmother used to shoplift meat by stuffing it into my coat
I have a love/hate relationship with my mother
I Have never had a “boys are yucky” phase
I took 3 years of figure skating
I was in a choir for 4 years
I was in Air Cadets for 6 years
I was a officer for 2 years and taught drill and music
I hate Cadets and military
I played Trombone for 8 years
I was in two plays in high school
I did two musicals in College (Hair and Jesus Christ Superstar)
I designed/drew a poster for a play in College
I started College in Liberal Arts, I graduated in Creative Arts
I went half way across the country to study Native Studies and stayed only one semester
I graduated with a degree in Religion
I learned Hebrew
I am an Atheist
I have never believed in a god
I went to many different churches when I young
I don’t know what I could do with my degree
I love a good debate
As a child I was addicted to Archie comics and Judy Bloom novels
My favourite books are: The Pillars of the Earth, Wicked, Harry Potter, Narnia,
My favourite kid books are: The Butterfly Ball & the Grasshopper’s Feast, No Kiss for Mother,
My favourite movies: The Big Lobowski, Oh Brother where art thou?, Ghost World, Amadeus, Harold and Maude ( and well almost anything by Tim Burton)
My Favourite music: Barenaked Ladies, Great Big Sea, Bob Dylan, Tom Waits, Nick Cave, Squirrel Nut Zippers, Chris de Burgh,
I don’t wear make up
I don’t dye my hair
I only have 2 pairs of pants that I wear for days at a time
I only wear PJ’s at home
I hate having things (socks and shoes) on my feet
I get insulted if someone doesn’t take off their shoes coming into my house
I always remember the smell of people’s homes
I have always wanted to write a book
I have worked as a cashier, receptionist, office temp, at a vet, grocery store sample lady, portrait photographer.
I am lazy
I bake bread every 1-2 days
I like window shopping
I am very sensitive to scents
I get offended if someone smokes close to me or my kids
I am a Leo
I was born in the year of the snake
I once saw a Lion up close at a sad little Cliffside “zoo” in Monaco
I have 2 tattoos : a sleeping lion cub on my ankle and a dove on my back
I love to travel
I have long strawberry-dirty blond hair & blue eyes
I am not afraid of getting older
I have two cats “Nelson” and “sparky” * Nelson died spring 2006
15 year old Nelson pee’s everywhere but I can’t imagine “putting him down”*update: I had to put him down after he was suddenly parylysed by a blood clot in his spine…
I would start woodworking but don’t have money for tools
I want to make toys
I watch too much TV
I love to sew
I love to knit (Nelson peed on my last project though)
I have Asthma
I have had several operations: Tonsils and adenoids (removed), Appendicitis (removed), ruptured ovarian cysts, bleeding polyps in my gall bladder (removed) & a Spitz Nevus (Juvenile melanoma) on my cheek (removed)
I was once attacked by an army of ants
I was once attacked by bees (I had about a dozen stings)
I once came face to face with a bear
At 5 years old I persuaded a teenager to put me on his back while he dove off a 100 foot cliff into a swimming hole
I almost drowned in a lake at 1 year old, after a friend of the family dove three times and finally found my foot and brought me to the surface I squealed “encore!”(more!)
I don’t go to the doctor
I am scared of Dentists
I love staying at home
I would like to have more friends IRL