All About me – Page 27 – a hippie with a minivan

In your gods you may trust…

I started reading and posting on a Yahoo group for Canadian UC and it is pretty much bombarded with “god” talk…. Within a few days that I joined the group someone commented on it, just saying that she had trouble getting though all of the “god talk” and finding the message in the text… I agreed with her saying that I was having trouble doing the same and explained that in trying to find information and gather the strength to fully have confidence in my body I would love to read about how others do the same… However, in going through the archive the majority of the messages about preparation and birth are all full of “I had trust in God”, “I knew He would do what is right”, “I prayed to God to tell me what to do”, “I knew that God was with me”… blah blah blah….

So… what happens when you read this and don’t believe that God even exists.. Well you don’t get anything from it and another learning experience is pretty much thrown out the window. So I explained just that… that I have trouble getting what I personally need when all the trust is in God and not in themselves and that I would love to read how people have gained confidence in themselves. I explained that I am searching for this because I am in the “unlearning stage”… Unlearning the idea that pregnancy and birth is a medical problem that needs medical attention, and relearning that Birth and Pregnancy are in most cases are problem free but have problems due to medical intervention.

The response was the usual.. everyone jumped to the conclusion that because we don’t like the God talk and can’t take anything from it, that we automatically are offended by it and we want it all to stop and we want them to hide their faith or stop believing. Then the “tolerance” issue of “I am not offended when I read Pagan, Wiccan and Atheist birth stories, why are you offended by mine?”… “Read this passage in the bible and you will understand why”… “Are we Christians now going to be discriminated against?”…

UGHHHH!!!

I hate it when people jump to the conclusion that when someone talks about their religion and then someone says that they just can’t take anything from it, or can’t relate then they automatically think that we are offended by the “god talk” or that we want them to stop not only talking about it… But it is almost like they think that we want them to stop believing… Why does it automatically become an offensive remark to not believe in the same thing? Are people taught in their churches etc that whoever isn’t with them is against them? That non-believers are out to get them and bring them to the “dark-side”? That Atheists are just out to make them stop believing or that we have pacts with the devil or something?

The devil thing makes me laugh (I have heard this argument before) because an Atheist having a pact with the devil is an oxymoron… the devil is a religious idea and you would actually have to believe in a god to believe in the devil…

I get so annoyed by people assuming that I am offended by them, or think that I am trying to offend them just because I state an opposite opinion. The same goes for aspects of parenting…

“It’s not all about you!!”

Another Change…

Like I said the other day in the post about changes that I am starting to make in my life I mentioned the meal plans… I have been making meal plans each week so that I don’t have to go to the store as much… I can try to save a bit of money…. I know what we can eat and that we have everything for those meals, we waste less and it just makes my life a bit easier and less of a hassle…

Well… last week I was checking out some really cool vegetarian and Vegan blogs and got some good ideas for meals… Something that I have wanted to do for a long time is eat a more vegetarian diet… I don’t want to become vegetarian because… well.. I like meat! and I just love the BBQ season that is coming…. however, I would like to eat a lot less meat so that I get more whole grains and veggies in my diet and I happen to do that more when I cook less meat…

One little problem is that Simon doesn’t eat Tofu… won’t even try it anymore… It is not a “Taste thing” but a “texture thing” (at least that is what he says 🙂 ) but I think it is more of a “mental” thing cause I grated some tofu into a soup and he ate it and then when he found out that there was Tofu in it he wouldn’t eat it anymore…

Anyways… this week is a veggie week in my meal plan and I want to try new meals and get more ideas (also great to get the kids to try more things) After this week I want to make each week have more veggie meals then meat based meals…and I want to try something new at least once a week…
Anyways… I need some good ideas….What’s your Fav meal?

BTW… these are the meals for the week in our home…

Veggie Burgers
Vege Pate (prolly in a wrap with a sauce, sprouts and grilled veggies)
Grilled Veggie pressed sandwiches
Pizza with veggies, sun dried tomatoes etc…
Chile
Toasted Pitas with a bean dip
Stir Fry with Peanut sauce

no milk?

A fellow volunteer just called me recently to complain a bit….As breastfeeding counselors we go through waves of people that have problems but will do everything to breastfeed, people that get bad info and would like to try give up easily because “formula is good enough” and then there are people that have problems just because they want to have problems, don’t really want to breastfeed so they make themselves believe that it isn’t going to work so that they won’t feel guilty when they go the chemical way….

I am getting so tired of hearing all of the excuses that people use, especially when you give them advice and they choose not to follow through with it but just keep on repeating in their head that it isn’t working out (so of course it won’t work out)

I have seen moms that have great breastfeeding relationships go against the advice that we have given and end up not breastfeeding within days or weeks.

The biggest thing is the “not having enough milk” excuse. This is the one that all women are scared of because they hear it from everyone they know. This is the one that makes breastfeeding not work for many people, this is the one that makes formula companies salivate.

What we explain to moms over and over again and what never gets through is that if you breastfeed on demand and avoid “supplementing”you will have enough milk. The minute you supplement a feeding (even with your own milk) you are walking on thin ice.

But, So many women that come to us with problems have this story…

– Baby was born at 37 weeks (the doctor around here LOVES provoking labour at 37 weeks (and gives many reasons for why he does it) and many end up with “emergency” C-Sections…)

– Baby and mom are in the hospital for 3-4 days, during which the baby loses a bit of weight. (completely normal especially if the mom had IV and the baby’s weight was inflated to begin with)

– The differences in weight loss between a FF baby and BF baby are not taken into consideration.

– The baby wants to feed often and the mom is told by one or more of the nurses/pediatrician etc. that her baby is in danger because she doesn’t have enough milk and they have to supplement with formula after each nursing session until her milk comes in. (They are working to become “baby-friendly” so they supplement with a cup)

-Mom and Baby are sent home to a house with little support or misinformation.

We then get called and we have to explain that she needs to put the baby to the breast on demand and nurse as often as she can and she will have the supply. They don’t listen though and keep on supplementing. Why? Because everyone around them has told them that they didn’t have enough milk either….

What I would love to know is what do people think women did before the sludge that the formula companies make was around? do they really think that 100 years ago women often just didn’t have enough milk so would just give up feeding their babies? No!!! People did have enough milk because they knew that their milk was the only food available and they had people around them that knew that all women have milk.

What it comes down to in many cases is misinformation for many people, but unknowingly and unwillingly they keep on spreading the rumor that some women just don’t make enough milk.

However, then there is another bunch. The ones that KNOW breast is best, the ones that know the dangers of Formula (but don’t believe it), the ones that just don’t want to breastfeed but want to alleviate the “guilt”.

These are the ones that I know are not going to keep on breastfeeding from the second I talk to them. They will find any excuse to not breastfeed, they will try and make me say that formula is just as good, they will try and make me agree that their problem just can’t be solved. They will invent problems and won’t listen to anything we say to help them. They just want to have the peace of mind that “they did everything they could but it just didn’t work out”. I wish that people that don’t want to breastfeed would just not call me, I don’t want to be a pawn in their game and I don’t want to waste my breath.

Here is an example I once had…

1st call: breastfeeding going great… I debunk about 10 myths in one phone call (she was trying to find an excuse, I know it) things I tell her: supply=demand, feed on need, no bottles before 5-6 weeks, pacifier not recommended for first 5-6 weeks… everything should go well…

2nd call: Her milk came in…She asks….Are my breasts going to be this big the whole time? I tell her no that they will go back to normal (though still a bit full) after a day or two and feel less and less full as time goes on.

3rd Call: breasts feel less baby nursing often, she KNOWS she doesn’t have enough milk… the baby is happy between feedings and has full diapers, I tell her that everything sounds normal.

4th call (about 5 days later): baby not taking breast well… they started a using a pacifier, didn’t think she had enough milk because the baby was nursing every 2-3 hours so she tried pumping and “saw” that she wasn’t making enough… so they went and got formula because the baby was “starving”… I tell her that the pump isn’t a good indicator of amount and that the baby is better at getting milk out… tell her that supply=demand so as long as she feeds when baby wants it then she will have enough milk…. the baby was probably not taking the breast well because they suck differently on the breast then on bottle or pacifier… I advise her to stop the bottle and paci and put baby to the breast often.

I call a few days later… She explains that she knew she wasn’t making enough milk because her baby would cry and wanted the bottle more then the breast and seems much happier now, “but I know I at least “tried” and guess what!! Now I can go out without baby and leave the month old baby with MIL for the night while I get my “much needed rest”.

I knew at the end of the first call that she would breastfeed. I knew that she was going to use the time that I would spend trying to help her as a way to alleviate the guilt of not giving her child the best food possible….

I am tired of wasting my breath with people I know are not going to breastfeed… they take the time away from those who really do want to breastfeed and really do need and want help.

ttc….

(Trying to Conceive) for those who may not know what that means 😉

Over the last few months, since I got my cycles back we have been ttc but without really ttc… just having the attitude… “Hey if it happens, it happens”… it hasn’t happened…

I have been taking my temp every morning, something that I do while ttc or not… so I have been really seeing my cycles and the last two cycles I have started getting sad when AF (Aunt Flo) arrived… I think I really want it now… I would love to have another baby… I miss having a newborn and I really do love the age difference between the boys… if I got pregnant this cycle there would be exactly the same difference in age between them….

It is crazy when this feeling hits… the need and want to be pregnant again, to have a new child, it completely consumes you…

The same happened to me when I was ttc Colin… it took ten months and each month I thought about it more and more… until this feeling came and then I thought about it everyday… I was ready… and I was ready now! It took two cycles after that and I conceived Colin.

It has hit me again…. I really want another now, For the first time in a long time I calculated when the child would be born if I had concieved last cycle. It would have been a Halloween baby… I was sad that I got AF, I was surprised that my LP was very short…
I really want to have the feeling of a little one in me again.

My family i not done growing yet….

I still have a lot more love to give….

Attachment, Neufeld & Time-outs

A few people have asked me to talk about positive parenting and why Time-outs can not be part of positive parenting. Of course, time-out and removal of privileges are the most popular forms of discipline and they are better than spanking, there is no physical punishment but you have to remember that doesn’t make them positive.

I decided to wait until I went to see the discussion by Gordon Neufeld before talking about it… so that is now what I am doing… This post is going to be a mish-mash of what I have learned a bit everywhere…
But, the way that Neufeld presents his ideas put it into perspective so I am going to use a lot of that… he gave me kind of one of the “missing links” that I have looked for… (this is a long one… bear with me 🙂 )
So I went to the talk by Gordon Neufeld yesterday…. He was discussing his book “Hold onto your Kids“… and It was great!!

He started the presentation by asking what makes a child easy to parent…

Easy right?

The “easy” child wants to please us, wants to do things for us, wants to be with us, loves us, wants to follow us, wants to be good for us etc?

Wouldn’t it be easy if our children were always like this?

How to come about it though?…

His theory (which makes complete sense) is that we have been going around it the wrong way. We try to fix the behaviour instead of fixing the problem behind it. We look to quick fixes that work to correct behaviour yet hinder the relationship and attachment, when those are the most important factors.

Which brings us to the Theory of Attachment.

Attachment is important in any relationship and not only is it important but is required for a relationship to work well for everyone.

What does Attachment do?

It arranges a hierarchy
It renders the other person endearing
Brings us home
Creates a compass point
Activates proximity
Evokes a desire to be good

So the Attachment actually fixes things in a way that the child who is well attached is inclined to want to please us, do things for us, be with us, loves us, follow us, be good for us etc… They fall into being that “easy child” (most of the time)

Neufeld talks about 6 ways that we attach. These should be all done by the age of six within a good attachment, though it is never too late.

You can see the correlation with ages…. From infant, toddler, pre-schooler etc…

These stages are

Senses (all of the physical ways that promote attachment)
Sameness (wanting to do what the other is doing)
Belonging and Loyalty (The “mine, mine” stage)
Significance (feeling that we matter)
Feeling (giving your heart away, falling in love)
Being Known (wanting the other to KNOW you, telling all, sharing all)

A child then that is truly attached will do whatever they can to please the parent, will be good because they want to be good, they want to be with the parent, they love them, they want to share their secrets….

When you have their hearts, you have access to their minds, they are open to learn.

We learn from those whom are attached to. The teacher that we loved, that made the most impact on us, the one that we learned the most from is the teacher that has won our hearts. We need to be attached in order to teach, we need to be attached in order to learn.
However, this attachment also makes a child emotionally dependant and they are very vulnerable. This can be seen as negative, but is important as they are not yet ready to be on their own emotionally until they step away by themselves (and not towards a peer, but really on their own two feet)

Attachment therefore, is not only important in the early years, it is important all the time.

He explains that at the moment Childhood is getting Longer while Parenthood is getting shorter. Unlike a few generations ago when children were going out of childhood at 13-14 years of age, it is now happening at about 21-22 years of age.

However, at 13-14 years of age, parents are starting to detach from their kids and leave them to be with their peers… but they are not yet ready to be left in that position yet, and because they are not yet ready they will not simply detach and be ready to be on their own. Unlike a bird who is pushed out of the nest before they believe they are ready and end up flying, children who are pushed out of the nest too early will not fly but simply they will find another nest.

Therefore, We must let a child leave us, Hold onto them until they let go (and the attachment doesn’t even have to be broken) and not push them into the arms of their peers.

As a poster on a forum eloquently stated

“His theory is that we all NEED to have some compass point in our lives to guide us. If we as parents don’t provide that compass point, children will seek it out elsewhere, i.e. friends. The problem then is you really have the blind leading the blind. By inviting dependence, both physical and emotional when kids are young (even teenagers) you give them the time to mature to the point where they have developed a true sense of self. One in which they can make wise decisions based on their own moral compass that they developed, which they have learned from you”…… “Independence isn’t a “skill” that you learn by being forced into situations that demand it. It is something that develops with time and maturity when your attachment needs are met.” (sassafras12 at MDC)

Sounds all good right… child is attached and therefore Wants to be good so is good… Nah.. Of course it can’t be that easy…. Children are in a learning process, they will test boundaries, they are instinctive, they don’t always think things through before they act… it is normal and natural that situations arise and of course during the time that they are with us there will be times that they need to be directed. There are times when they do things that are not right, again…they are learning.

However, This is where the idea of discipline comes in…

Problems that arise do need to be dealt with but they need to be dealt with in ways that foster attachment and not in ways that hinder it.

The ways of discipline that are very popular at the moment do work, and work quite effectively however, they come at a price….they work in a way that is playing with the deepest fears and vulnerabilities of a child.

Yep… this is where Time-outs come in…

I have to admit that we did try time-outs, not to the extent explained below but still a form of time-out. They are far from the beatings that I went through, they are not physical, they are said to work, everyone is doing it and I just didn’t know what else to do. We did it a few times. It felt awful and I knew that it wasn’t right. I knew that it wasn’t what I should be doing with Xavier, and guess what? It didn’t work, it made things worse. We stopped, I starting researching…

Now, I understand why it felt so wrong, Now, we are working on correcting the damage.

The rules of Time-outs are as follows….and there are MANY books and sources that outline how a time-out is supposed to work and they all repeat the same thing in most part… here is one…

Time-outs are explained as a way to “remove positive reinforcement for unacceptable behaviour” (AAP)

“Time-out should occur in a noninteresting yet safe place. Your child should not be allowed to watch television or to interact with other people when in time-out, including you.”
Send your child to the time-out chair or room. If he doesn’t go there immediately, lead him by the hand or carry him.
When you’re putting your child in time-out, briefly explain what she has done so she can connect the behaviour with the time-out. A simple phrase such as “No hitting” is enough. Do not lecture and do not spank. Time-out is not the time for teaching or preaching.
Do not negotiate with a child in time-out. Completely ignore him, even if he shouts, bangs or apologizes.
When time-out is over, it is over. Create a fresh start by offering a new activity. Don’t discuss the unwanted behavior, just move on. “

http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/behaviour&parenting/TimeOut.htm

Sounds ok right… or does it?

Say the situation is hitting…. most likely a emotional reaction to a situation but still a no-no

Child hits, get sent to time-out, stays there for three minutes (or whatever time according to age), comes back and plays like nothing happened… next time they hit, same thing happens, after a while they may (or may not) stop hitting… in most cases, it works!

So you say… What’s the problem with that? The Child doesn’t do the behaviour anymore, there wasn’t physical punishment involved… problem solved… right?

However, the Question is….WHY does it work? At what Expense? What really happens when I child is in Timeout? Why is it so powerful?

First,

What is the child learning by being in timeout? Not to hit? Not to get caught? OK… but that is not enough! In Following the rules of time out, you are not supposed to talk about it anymore then say “no hitting” because “it is not a time for teaching or preaching”, you are not even supposed to reflect back on the situation (when I did T.O’s I always reflected back, I couldn’t just let it go without talking about it)…

So, in following the rules (and the AAP says that if you don’t follow the rules it will not work) then what tools are you giving the child that finds himself in the same situation next time? Where are the opportunities to teach alternatives? What is the child really learning when being punished?

OK… so it is not really teaching the child anything but still…. What is wrong with that if it works?

This comes to the most important point of why I don’t believe that Time-outs can be done without hindering Attachment…

What happens is that though it is not a physical punishment, it is an emotional punishment

The thing that makes Timeouts work, the thing that is essential to time-outs are the fact that you must not have any interaction with the child, you must ignore them… You must separate yourself from them during that time.

This is where the big problem is.. In putting a child in time-out we are in essence withdrawing our affection to get the point across. We are teaching them that in order for us to love them they have to be good, they have to obey, if they don’t obey we don’t love them. It is always important to remember that children don’t understand the parents intention, they understand the parents actions. Furthermore, In Neufeld eyes (at least what I understood last night) when we do time-outs, we are putting the child in a situation that in which we are putting our attachment on the line because a child’s vulnerability in the relationship. When faced with adversary, the child meets it it with resistance. Therefore, time-outs take away from the attachment and instills resistance in a child. So, though the initial behaviour may stop, is the price really worth it and what has the child really learned at the end?

So… alternatives…. Well, we are in the learning process… but for now and what I believe is the best way to go is this…

We get down on Xavier’s level, we ask him what happened, we talk about alternatives, we connect, we give him the words to express his feelings, we reflect what he is telling us. There are times that I do ask him if he wants to cool down alone. He has the choice if he wants to go or not, he has the choice to ask me to go with him.

Some people have the idea that you can’t give positive attention when a child misbehaves because it reinforces the behaviour.

I don’t believe in this line of thought.

I agree that the behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded, but the child themselves should be supported. There is a difference.

A child that hits, needs to know that the behaviour is wrong, but you don’t love them less because of it. The need you to guide them, teach them what is appropriate instead of only what is not.