My Rants – Page 7 – a hippie with a minivan

Attachment, Neufeld & Time-outs

A few people have asked me to talk about positive parenting and why Time-outs can not be part of positive parenting. Of course, time-out and removal of privileges are the most popular forms of discipline and they are better than spanking, there is no physical punishment but you have to remember that doesn’t make them positive.

I decided to wait until I went to see the discussion by Gordon Neufeld before talking about it… so that is now what I am doing… This post is going to be a mish-mash of what I have learned a bit everywhere…
But, the way that Neufeld presents his ideas put it into perspective so I am going to use a lot of that… he gave me kind of one of the “missing links” that I have looked for… (this is a long one… bear with me 🙂 )
So I went to the talk by Gordon Neufeld yesterday…. He was discussing his book “Hold onto your Kids“… and It was great!!

He started the presentation by asking what makes a child easy to parent…

Easy right?

The “easy” child wants to please us, wants to do things for us, wants to be with us, loves us, wants to follow us, wants to be good for us etc?

Wouldn’t it be easy if our children were always like this?

How to come about it though?…

His theory (which makes complete sense) is that we have been going around it the wrong way. We try to fix the behaviour instead of fixing the problem behind it. We look to quick fixes that work to correct behaviour yet hinder the relationship and attachment, when those are the most important factors.

Which brings us to the Theory of Attachment.

Attachment is important in any relationship and not only is it important but is required for a relationship to work well for everyone.

What does Attachment do?

It arranges a hierarchy
It renders the other person endearing
Brings us home
Creates a compass point
Activates proximity
Evokes a desire to be good

So the Attachment actually fixes things in a way that the child who is well attached is inclined to want to please us, do things for us, be with us, loves us, follow us, be good for us etc… They fall into being that “easy child” (most of the time)

Neufeld talks about 6 ways that we attach. These should be all done by the age of six within a good attachment, though it is never too late.

You can see the correlation with ages…. From infant, toddler, pre-schooler etc…

These stages are

Senses (all of the physical ways that promote attachment)
Sameness (wanting to do what the other is doing)
Belonging and Loyalty (The “mine, mine” stage)
Significance (feeling that we matter)
Feeling (giving your heart away, falling in love)
Being Known (wanting the other to KNOW you, telling all, sharing all)

A child then that is truly attached will do whatever they can to please the parent, will be good because they want to be good, they want to be with the parent, they love them, they want to share their secrets….

When you have their hearts, you have access to their minds, they are open to learn.

We learn from those whom are attached to. The teacher that we loved, that made the most impact on us, the one that we learned the most from is the teacher that has won our hearts. We need to be attached in order to teach, we need to be attached in order to learn.
However, this attachment also makes a child emotionally dependant and they are very vulnerable. This can be seen as negative, but is important as they are not yet ready to be on their own emotionally until they step away by themselves (and not towards a peer, but really on their own two feet)

Attachment therefore, is not only important in the early years, it is important all the time.

He explains that at the moment Childhood is getting Longer while Parenthood is getting shorter. Unlike a few generations ago when children were going out of childhood at 13-14 years of age, it is now happening at about 21-22 years of age.

However, at 13-14 years of age, parents are starting to detach from their kids and leave them to be with their peers… but they are not yet ready to be left in that position yet, and because they are not yet ready they will not simply detach and be ready to be on their own. Unlike a bird who is pushed out of the nest before they believe they are ready and end up flying, children who are pushed out of the nest too early will not fly but simply they will find another nest.

Therefore, We must let a child leave us, Hold onto them until they let go (and the attachment doesn’t even have to be broken) and not push them into the arms of their peers.

As a poster on a forum eloquently stated

“His theory is that we all NEED to have some compass point in our lives to guide us. If we as parents don’t provide that compass point, children will seek it out elsewhere, i.e. friends. The problem then is you really have the blind leading the blind. By inviting dependence, both physical and emotional when kids are young (even teenagers) you give them the time to mature to the point where they have developed a true sense of self. One in which they can make wise decisions based on their own moral compass that they developed, which they have learned from you”…… “Independence isn’t a “skill” that you learn by being forced into situations that demand it. It is something that develops with time and maturity when your attachment needs are met.” (sassafras12 at MDC)

Sounds all good right… child is attached and therefore Wants to be good so is good… Nah.. Of course it can’t be that easy…. Children are in a learning process, they will test boundaries, they are instinctive, they don’t always think things through before they act… it is normal and natural that situations arise and of course during the time that they are with us there will be times that they need to be directed. There are times when they do things that are not right, again…they are learning.

However, This is where the idea of discipline comes in…

Problems that arise do need to be dealt with but they need to be dealt with in ways that foster attachment and not in ways that hinder it.

The ways of discipline that are very popular at the moment do work, and work quite effectively however, they come at a price….they work in a way that is playing with the deepest fears and vulnerabilities of a child.

Yep… this is where Time-outs come in…

I have to admit that we did try time-outs, not to the extent explained below but still a form of time-out. They are far from the beatings that I went through, they are not physical, they are said to work, everyone is doing it and I just didn’t know what else to do. We did it a few times. It felt awful and I knew that it wasn’t right. I knew that it wasn’t what I should be doing with Xavier, and guess what? It didn’t work, it made things worse. We stopped, I starting researching…

Now, I understand why it felt so wrong, Now, we are working on correcting the damage.

The rules of Time-outs are as follows….and there are MANY books and sources that outline how a time-out is supposed to work and they all repeat the same thing in most part… here is one…

Time-outs are explained as a way to “remove positive reinforcement for unacceptable behaviour” (AAP)

“Time-out should occur in a noninteresting yet safe place. Your child should not be allowed to watch television or to interact with other people when in time-out, including you.”
Send your child to the time-out chair or room. If he doesn’t go there immediately, lead him by the hand or carry him.
When you’re putting your child in time-out, briefly explain what she has done so she can connect the behaviour with the time-out. A simple phrase such as “No hitting” is enough. Do not lecture and do not spank. Time-out is not the time for teaching or preaching.
Do not negotiate with a child in time-out. Completely ignore him, even if he shouts, bangs or apologizes.
When time-out is over, it is over. Create a fresh start by offering a new activity. Don’t discuss the unwanted behavior, just move on. “

http://www.caringforkids.cps.ca/behaviour&parenting/TimeOut.htm

Sounds ok right… or does it?

Say the situation is hitting…. most likely a emotional reaction to a situation but still a no-no

Child hits, get sent to time-out, stays there for three minutes (or whatever time according to age), comes back and plays like nothing happened… next time they hit, same thing happens, after a while they may (or may not) stop hitting… in most cases, it works!

So you say… What’s the problem with that? The Child doesn’t do the behaviour anymore, there wasn’t physical punishment involved… problem solved… right?

However, the Question is….WHY does it work? At what Expense? What really happens when I child is in Timeout? Why is it so powerful?

First,

What is the child learning by being in timeout? Not to hit? Not to get caught? OK… but that is not enough! In Following the rules of time out, you are not supposed to talk about it anymore then say “no hitting” because “it is not a time for teaching or preaching”, you are not even supposed to reflect back on the situation (when I did T.O’s I always reflected back, I couldn’t just let it go without talking about it)…

So, in following the rules (and the AAP says that if you don’t follow the rules it will not work) then what tools are you giving the child that finds himself in the same situation next time? Where are the opportunities to teach alternatives? What is the child really learning when being punished?

OK… so it is not really teaching the child anything but still…. What is wrong with that if it works?

This comes to the most important point of why I don’t believe that Time-outs can be done without hindering Attachment…

What happens is that though it is not a physical punishment, it is an emotional punishment

The thing that makes Timeouts work, the thing that is essential to time-outs are the fact that you must not have any interaction with the child, you must ignore them… You must separate yourself from them during that time.

This is where the big problem is.. In putting a child in time-out we are in essence withdrawing our affection to get the point across. We are teaching them that in order for us to love them they have to be good, they have to obey, if they don’t obey we don’t love them. It is always important to remember that children don’t understand the parents intention, they understand the parents actions. Furthermore, In Neufeld eyes (at least what I understood last night) when we do time-outs, we are putting the child in a situation that in which we are putting our attachment on the line because a child’s vulnerability in the relationship. When faced with adversary, the child meets it it with resistance. Therefore, time-outs take away from the attachment and instills resistance in a child. So, though the initial behaviour may stop, is the price really worth it and what has the child really learned at the end?

So… alternatives…. Well, we are in the learning process… but for now and what I believe is the best way to go is this…

We get down on Xavier’s level, we ask him what happened, we talk about alternatives, we connect, we give him the words to express his feelings, we reflect what he is telling us. There are times that I do ask him if he wants to cool down alone. He has the choice if he wants to go or not, he has the choice to ask me to go with him.

Some people have the idea that you can’t give positive attention when a child misbehaves because it reinforces the behaviour.

I don’t believe in this line of thought.

I agree that the behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded, but the child themselves should be supported. There is a difference.

A child that hits, needs to know that the behaviour is wrong, but you don’t love them less because of it. The need you to guide them, teach them what is appropriate instead of only what is not.

The Label of Attachment Parenting

I have been getting the impression more and more lately that people have been adopting the AP label because they believe that to do so they

1) have to be simply be “attached” to their child;

2) attend to their child’s “needs”¦

The problem is that the words “attachment parenting” automatically makes us assume that the opposite of AP is being “detached”which is simply not the case…

All children are attached to their parents and most parents do what they think is best for their children (I can’t say “all” because I watch the news and it is simply not true)…

Most parents, AP or NOT believe that they are responding to what they think are their baby’s needs… What it comes down to is what they think their child needs, if they are really listening to their child (or hearing what they want to hear) and also what they expect from their child….

What has been bothering me is that more and more people call themselves AP and don’t even agree that the Sears’s 7 B’s are Ideals and seem to only believe that there is only one important one which is “Balance” (therefore giving them the permission to forgo all of the rest in order to maintain balance even if it means CIO, sleeping in a different room, formula feeding, never wearing baby etc)

It is true that you do not have to do all of the 7 b’s to be a Attached Parent but they do remain the ideals and they should be considered and tried as much (and even more) then anything else, they should be the first step and be the natural stepâ€¦. (The 7 B’s for those who don’t know are these)

Birth Bonding
Breastfeeding
Babywearing
Bedding Close to Baby (family bed or different beds in the same room)
Belief in the language of your baby’s cries
Beware of Baby-Trainers
Balance

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/t130300.asp

However, though the term “Attachment Parenting” started with Dr Sears, it has grown beyond that and has become a philosophy of its own.

This philosophy is to do what comes naturally and instinctively, and the 7 B’s (among others) are part of this instictive reaction, but to do so you must get rid of the expectations that society has put on our children.

We all know why and how these actions work and how they are important in building a relationship of trust and attachment…and there are people that struggle in trying to be AP and fail, and some that just can’t understand AP at all, so what is the difference… we does it work and make sense for some but not for others…?
By design children are Dependant for the first few years of their lives. There is no way around this, there is no denying it…

By Design, 99% of women CAN breastfeed, however, we have not had the experience of learning about breastfeeding from our surroundings because our culture has sexualized the breast and believe that nursing a child shouldn’ be seen. The natural age of a child weaning is between 2.5 and 7 years of age…. weaning a child is most often a result of what we believe is culturally acceptable (for the mom or the child) Sure, “extended” breastfeeding is’t for everyone but why it isn’t for everyone mostly comes from what we believe is culturally acceptable, what we have grown up knowing and is not what we have come to expect from a child after a certain age (3 months, 6 months, 1 year, 2 years etc)…

By design, children most often rather be parented to sleep and sleep through the night when they are ready to do so and some may not be ready to be independent in sleep until much later then we would expect. Our culture however, seems to put the emphasis on teaching babies to self-soothe and see sleeping through the night at a young age as a goal. And even go so far as making it not only the goal but saying that the opposite is unhealthy for the child. If children were really designed to sleep through the night at such a young age then there wouldn’t be so much effort to train them to do so… or so much money made with books and baby-training techniques… When brought into bed with the parents, like we as a species have always done, both parent and child get more sleep, and the child learns by example how to fall asleep when waking at night… For some this happens earlier on… but for most it is much later and it is normal.

By design babies want to be held and want to be in our arms… Strollers have only been around since 1733 and even then they were only accessible to the richest of the population until the 1930’s and then only became popular to the general public in the 50’s… with another boom in the 70’s with the umbrella stroller… Before strollers, we held our babies, we did so with our arms or we used pieces of cloth to do so. In holding a baby and wearing them they learn to regulate their temperature, learn balance, cry less (proven to cry 50% less), have less or no Colic, are close enough that we can recognize and respond to their cues quickly, etc… in societies that never use strollers women learn how to wear babies when they themselves are children, they learn by example (like they learn breastfeeding, sewing, cooking etc). Most of the time when people say their children don’t like to be worn it is because they don’t know how to use the carrier and become stressed when trying which the child in turn reflects…. they often also try at bad times (when baby is already upset, tired or hungry) and often don’t start at birth…

All of this goes for saying… AP is a return to the roots of what parenting has always been… and a return to what comes naturally instead of what is culturally sanctioned… and there are many cultures that still have AP as the normal way of parenting…

If you really believe that a child should be sleeping through the night at a certain age, should not be held too much or should no longer be held much after a certain age, if you believe that breastfeeding shouldn’t be continued after a certain age, or that formula is just as good as breastfeeding, if you believe that some children just need to be trained to sleep, if you believe that their cries mean nothing at certain times of the day, if you don’t think that the simple need for comfort in the middle of the night is as important as a physical need after a certain month of age, if you believe that there are just some times that a baby really cries for no reason and that there are times that it is best to leave them alone when they do, If you don’t think you have the time to listen and to respond to your child’s every cue… then the parenting path named Attachment Parenting may simply not be for you, and will probably be more of a struggle then anything else. As much as you may want to work, and believe in the ideas and philosophy, it will not work for you easily if you don’t put aside these cultural expectations…

That doesn’t mean that you can’t use the tools that are often associated with Attachment Parenting (such as wearing, co-sleeping etc) and that they won’t work for you throughout stages of your parental life, but they won’t give you the results that you may expect…(and note I didn’t put breastfeeding in that because breastfeeding should always be done no matter what Parenting path you take)

However, If you are not only willing, but able, to let go of what society tells us is the “normal” and “healthy” way to parent, and truly listen to your child and give your child all of the benefits of the doubt, then not only will Attachment Parenting work but it will be far from the struggle and will become as easy and natural as breathing.

Of course, there are times that we are bombarded with messages or advice from others that are not AP, or we can’t help but fall back on the ideas that we have been fed all of our lives, and it is in these times that we need the support of other Attachment Parents and it is why it is important to be able to use the label of Attachment Parenting…

Sleep issues…

On the board that I Host the last few weeks have been bombarded with “Sleep Issues” and many people coming and saying that CIO can be OK because it is doing what is “best” for baby and mom…

This infuriates me…. There is NO WAY that CIO can be an appropriate response…

A mom there was saying how discouraged she was getting about “AP” because she is tired of her 9 month old not sleeping through the night and how she just thinks that responding to the child’s needs is the cause of the sleep problems… especially since all of the moms that did CIO at 3 months of age are all sleeping great….

So, I had to respond…

“Here is my opinion on the whole subject… and why I think you should not be discouraged…

First…

There is a big population of kids that are forced to cry themselves to sleep night after night (and it IS emotional damaging and can lead to emotional problems later on in life)

Also Crying to sleep is SOLELY for the benefit of the parent… NOT the child… Crying to sleep is physically and emotionally draining (if you have ever done it then you know how draining it is)… (this is another reason that CIO may also “help” them sleep longer)

Also, CIO is not a one time solution because it has to be done over and over again… Say if a child is sick, or teething and and actually gets a response from their parent then they regain the hope that their parent will come to them when they need it and have to be trained all over again…

Another thing is that kids that CIO or are sleep-trained, DO wake up in the night they just know that if they cry no one cares enough to come, they give up… Also like a few of the pp said… some parents just exaggerate and don’t want to admit that they may attend to their child at night because they feel “guilty”….

And, as another pp said… AP parents are maybe more in tune with their parenting style and don’t have as much guilt that their child is not “sleeping through the night”….

So… I think it is NORMAL that a large majority of children are not sleeping through the night…if it wasn’t normal then there wouldn’t be so much money being made in trying to solve “sleep problems” and it wouldn’t be such a big issue…

As for when it comes to Attachment Parenting and “sleep issues”…

Personally… I think that more parents are losing sleep over the idea that their child is not sleeping through the night and also they try to impose what they think a child should be doing instead of letting the child lead…

We all know that trying to get a child to sleep when WE are ready for them to go to sleep but THEY are not is a tiring and exasperating struggle… The moms that I know (AP or NOT) that don’t have “sleep issues” are the ones that try and if it doesn’t work then they just let the child have quiet play etc and then try again when they see another sleepy cue…

Also, there is nothing wrong with nursing to sleep… they will wean from it by themselves when they are ready to do so… Nursing to sleep is a great parenting tool and is not a bad habit… Nature has made us in a way that the hormones in warm milk (like breastmilk) help us fall asleep (even some adults have warm milk before going to sleep)…

Also, a point to make is that a FIVE hour stretch is considered “Sleeping through the night” and NOT the 10-12 hours that people boast about…

So if a child is sleeping 8pm to 1am or 12pm -5am then they are sleeping through the night in the technical sense…

Of course if we didn’t go to sleep at 7pm.. but went to sleep at 11pm then we have only had a 2 hour sleep if our child wakes at 1am then we will not be as well rested. However, he problem then is with OUR sleeping habits, not the child’s!

Of course we don’t want to go to be at 7pm so instead we can try other things such as “dream-nursing” before we go to bed. Co-sleep so that we don’t have to wake fully etc…

Anyway… my point is that it is normal for many kids to be waking at night…and the problem is more our high expectations (too high) of what they should be doing instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt that will do it when they are ready… also we should look at our individual child and follow their cues instead of looking towards a “sleep expert” or a book… especially since they have never read the book and don’t know that they “should” be doing those things 😉

as for me… I have one child that is nursed to sleep and has been sleeping 10-12 hour nights from the time he was 8 weeks old… and one child that fights sleep like crazy and doesn’t always want to be nursed to sleep and wakes up during the night….both have been parented in the same way.. it is that one was ready (and wouldn’t nap during the day even as a newborn) and the other just still needs me at night…I just don’t stress about it…”

The overall response of the board is to be awaited but it will determine if I am going to stay host or not (and I have been leaning towards resigning for a while now)…

Lately people have been getting the impression that AP is simply having your child be attached to you emotionally and that if you are not an AP parent then you are completely detached…. They also get completely stuck on only one of the 7 B’s (Balance) and seem to be able to dismiss all of the rest (birth bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, beware of baby trainers, belief in the language value of baby’s cries) and justify dismissing the rest because it will maintain “balance”…

Personally I think the opposite of attachment Parenting is not “detached” but “separation”… They can still be emotionally attached (even a child who is beaten is still emotionally attached to their parents….. and I am Not saying that Mainstream is equal to beating)

But… What I see (and don’t like) about Mainstream parenting is the need and goal of having an independent child at a very young age… They are proud that they can leave their child with anyone… they are proud that they don’t have to hold their child often, they are proud that their child doesn’t care if they are with them or not… they are proud that their child no longer “needs” them…. they also expect that their children shouldn’t need them…

AP is not only about doing what is best for the child but it is about listening to the child and not imposing your expectations on them… Someone who is making their child Cry themselves to Sleep justifies it often by saying that it is what the child “needs” and that they are responding to their childs “need to sleep”…. and can therefore see it in the realm of AP…..But this is NOT AP… this is a mainstream way of thinking…. I don’t think that any mom LIKES to make their child Cry themselves to sleep but they believe that it is in the best interests of the child…. when it is really because of an unrealistic expectation brought on by society…. if they actually listened to what the child needs then there wouldn’t be the need for tears…

I am not a violent person… but…..

Oh my god I wanted to see that woman hurt!!

I have rarely felt this way about anyone but today this woman just made me see red.

We went to see the “pediatrician” today and it was one of the worst experiences of my life… After almost 2 hours of waiting I got in her office and she didn’t have clue of why we were there until I told her that she is the one that called me about the test results… I let her do her shtick as she explained to me that she wanted to have more blood tests taken to see Colin’s Iron storage levels, she examined Colin (who was amazing like always and let her do her thing without a sound) and then started to explain the papers that she was giving me… I asked her if he was anemic 2 weeks ago when he was in the hospital and he wasn’t, it was just on the last test that his levels were going lower, (his white blood cell count i back to normal btw) then I asked if it could be due to the meds that he had taken or the virus and attempted to show her what I had found but she said that she wouldn’t look at it and said that she has never heard of anemia being caused by such circumstances.. I then asked her if the tests could wait a few weeks so that we could see if it goes up naturally but she didn’t agree and said that it had to be done at that moment and then started to fill out the paper to see a dietician also.

While we were talking, Colin was in the pouch and signed Maju, so I just let him drink…

She got UPSET saying that now he couldn’t get the tests done today cause he is supposed to fast for at least 4 hours… I said in a “joking” kind of way that he would then not have the test for a few more months because he drinks often still, and besides from what I have learned there are to contradictions of breastfeeding before a blood test and it is considered a “clear liquid” just like it is considered a clear liquid before surgery…. she disagreed and said that breast milk is just like any other solid and it can’t be taken for 8 hours prior to surgery (this is NOT true) and then said that I should come first thing in the morning because then he would have been the night without eating… So stupidly I told her that he still eats at night so that i not an option either…

This is when the conversation got heated, first she started telling me about how breast milk after a year has no more nutritional value (but just antibodies) , so I laughed and asked her if it just magically changed overnight at their first birthday or what? She then asked if I give extra Iron and Vit D, because there isn’t enough in breast milk, I said no, but I assure that they have enough sun exposure… she then said that there is not enough Iron in breast milk so it is very important to give supplements… I then said something like Isn’t it true though that there is less Iron in breast milk, but it is absorbed at a rate of 50% compared to the 4-10% absorption in Formula and cow milk and therefore there is actually more Iron that is absorbed when breastfed… she then scuffed it off and then preceded to tell me that as a “Pediatrician” she has a few “rules” that she tells parents and (this became the turning point from frustration to Anger)…

1. Babies should never sleep in their parents bed because it is dangerous blah blah blah… and when I told her that I don’t agree she then told me about a baby that does in the moms bed…. we argued a bit on that point and then she went back and said her first point again and then said

2. they have to be sleeping through the night by 2 months old and then told me about CIO… this is when I kind of exploded, I told her that I actually love my kids and wouldn’t let them CIO because I want them to know that I will always be there for them, I asked her about breastfeeding babies and if she has the same “rule” especially since breast milk is digested easily and she said that by 8 weeks old babies no longer need to eat at night and they need to start to learn to be independent, she then told me that she is a doctor not a psychologist and she just says what she believes it to be better medially … I stood up at that point and started to leave…While I started picking up everything and started to head out of the door I asked her if she truly thought that a 2 month old needed to be trained how to be independent, and if it sleeping though the night was truly a medical issue, and I started to go for the paper on her desk, and this is where it really got to me… she didn’t let me pick up my paper on her desk for the blood test and continued in her rant about how dangerous it was to co-sleep and how she is a doctor etc… I told her at that point that she was crazy…(she answered by saying that I shouldn’t call a “pediatrician” crazy)….

I then took the papers from her hand and left….

This is what I was talking about the other day when I said that I can’t understand why people actually listen to idiots like her…

Why the hell did I have that kind of conversation when I was going in to check his blood for Iron? Why do these idiots think that their medical degree gives them the right to give out parenting advice especially to someone that didn’t need it and didn’t ask for it…

I left there feeling like I wanted to hit something, I wanted to hit her, I was shaking, I had tears in my eyes, I was upset and everything that I was in there in the first place was taken out of my head by her ignorance and stupidity, if she doesn’t even know the basics about breastfeeding how can I trust that she knows the basics about other things….

Without thinking, I headed to the blood test room… I asked them if it was OK if he had nursed before and they told me that breast milk is fine before a blood test and won’t change a thing. I asked if it was possible to keep him in the pouch like the last blood test we had taken and she said no and that she had to go in his arm.. I looked at her and asked if she was serious, Looked at Colin, thought it though a minute, and then asked if the paper would still be good in a few weeks and she said yes… I went back to the secretary and asked fer the prescription back…

I then headed across the hall to the archives room and asked to get a copy of Colin’s file. (I will have it at the beginning of next week) and then headed back to the blood test room and asked if I get the test done in a few weeks if I can just get the results myself so that I can bring them to the doctor of my choice and they said that there shouldn’t be a problem.

So….Here is my plan….

I love my family doctor even though he is an hour away and I don’t want to ever see that woman again… so I called my Family doctor when we got home, told him a bit about the situation and asked if it would be ok to just go get a blood test in a few weeks and then go see him with the results of the blood test and his medical file… he said that he would be happy to do that with me and that there is no problem waiting a few weeks (as long as it isn’t a few months) to see if things have improved and that he would be there when I was ready… he did however say that it would be better to make sure that he is eating well and to provide some high iron foods in the meantime to help him get his storage up…

So, though I didn’t want to go see dietitian I just took an appointment anyways.. I think it could be a good opportunity to ask a few questions about diet… best foods for iron, calcium and other vitamins and what food should be taken together etc to best help absorb…. especially because I would like to shift towards a more vegetarian diet and I have an older picky eater …

I can't believe that I forgot about this…

When Colin was at the hospital and I was anxious to get home I mentioned to the doctor that I had another nursling at home and she dared to comment on it!
She at first looked surprised and then asked how old he was and I told her that he was just about 3 and a half…
she then said it was time to wean him !!!!
OK… First I was already stressed and on edge cause I wanted them to get him of the Serum but that just hit me like a ton of bricks… but I am proud of myself… Everything came out perfectly and without a thought… every little reason she gave I responded without skipping a beat and I am actually happy that we did have the conversation in a way…
It went a bit like this….

Dr: You should wean him!
Me: Why?
Dr: He is 3.5… that’s too old?
Me: Actually 3.5 is young in my opinion…
Dr: But he is too old to be nursing still.
Me: Actually, the natural weaning age is between 2.5 and 7 years old, so he is still near the beginning… and I don’t believe in premature weaning.
Dr: But it must drain your energy.
Me: Why would that happen?
Dr: But he has teeth…
Me: So!… sometimes a 4 month old has teeth… would you advise the mom to wean because of that?
Dr: No… that’s true… you’re just the first person I have met that has nursed this long…

A bit later she heard me talking, saying that I have to go to Montreal to see our family doctor for the kids and she offered to be their ped (this is also after she found out that I am not vaxing)

Anyways…Even though I am OK with the conversation I can’t believe that a doctor would have the gall to actually comment on breastfeeding…. I know I hear others that rant about their awful, misinformed doctors but I am lucky that I never had experienced it until now…
The problem is that to be a breastfeeding counsellor we have to have to go through the Training that is put in place for Unicef’s “Baby-Friendly Initiative”
The nurses and Doctors at the hospitals that are working to become”Baby-Friendly” also have to go through the same training.
The Big problem is that that doctors are the ones that are most often not doing the training and hindering the hospitals. These know-it-alls actually know nothing about breastfeeding and they are the ones that have the most weight in the minds of most parents… and when they are given the chance to learn they don’t even want to do it!
How can people put all of their trust in these people?
Another thing that Irks me is parenting advice… Why the HECK do people take parenting advice from doctors! Why is the opinion of one person better then the instincts of a parent? Besides… in most cases with the hours that doctors are away from their homes and away from their children how can you expect them to know what they are talking about… I know there are some good docs out there that do have good parenting advice but I don’t think that a doctor’s office is the place to exchange that advice…

What I love about my Family Doc in Montreal is that he is always eager to learn. We don’t always agree but when it happens he rather exchange info then just try to convince me. He never gives advice that is out of the medical realm. He has never talked about sleep, feeding, potty-training etc… He doesn’t believe that parenting advice should be part of the doctor/ patient-parent relationship…

However, I find Montreal to be far away if I have a sick child to bring in… It’s a good hour drive, mostly highway, pretty rough stretches in the winter and about 30$ worth of gas… so I am debating whether to take this doc as a Ped. for the kids (not even 10 mins away)… even if she dared to say something about my nursing relationship, and I would keep the family doc anyways.