I did alot of things with the kids yesterday and was feeling bad about not doing any housework… but Simon said something that made me even more proud to be his wife….
“In two years it won’t matter if you cleaned or not, it will matter that you spent time with the kids”
Now that is a great husband and Father!
Wow…
About 2 weeks ago we went on a nature walk with the boys… (I mentioned it here) When we left Xavier had a mega-tantrum… he didn’t want to come home, he cried the whole way home, made a big scene and when we got home it was even worse… He was just completely out of whack… I sat down to nurse Colin and he got really upset and was trying to pry Colin off the breast and I just lost it and brought him to his room and closed the door… telling him that he couldn’t come out until he was calm…. A lot of things, not only that day had led me up this point… Everyday it was becoming a struggle with him.. I would bring him to the park and I had to drag him home kicking and screaming, I said no, or in a minute, or after and he would demand “NO!! NOW!!!! WHAAAAA!!!…. this had been going on for quite while and we just didn’t know how to deal with it… and That day I just had it…. I couldn’t deal with it anymore…. So I put him in his room, on his bed. He got up, I didn’t say a word and brought him back, he did it again, So did I…. Finally, he stayed on his bed and I went to sit down in the livingroom, and nurse Colin who was also crying because he was tired and hungry and wanted to nurse. I sat down, nursed Colin breathed and about 7-8 minutes later I got up, gave Colin a toy to keep him occupied and went to talk to Xavier… I sat down on the floor face to face with him….I talked to him like he was an adult, I needed to get some things out… I needed to tell him how I felt… It really felt weird talking to Xavier like that…
I told him how I didn’t like how he always demanded things, I told him that I was tired of the tantrums, I told him that I needed him to appreciate the things we give him and the things we do with him and be happy with that… I told him that I loved him and that I loved doing things with him but I couldn’t deal with the whining and the tantrums anymore…. He said Sorry…. I said Sorry…. We hugged each other for a minute and got up to continue with our day…
Since that day, since that conversation I have a little boy that is a pleasure to be with… there is no longer a fight to sit at the dinner table (we don’t care if he eats or not but we want him to sit with us) However, not only is there no longer a fight, he actually eats more. When we go somewhere like the park or a walk there are no more fights when it is time to come home, when we go anywhere (swimming, shopping etc) he listens to us and it has been a pleasure going with him because of it… He actually Thanks me now for bringing him somewhere and seems to appreciate it now… and it makes me want to bring him everywhere now!
The remarkable thing though is that his vocabulary has evolved in the last few weeks… he has never been a big talker, he did talk but not really complete sentences… it was different… Now he talks in ways that I just couldn’t imagine…
Since that day we both have had a major turn around…. I am doing more and more things with the kids because it is no longer a struggle and all of us are having much more fun…..
And it didn’t get chopped off!!!!
I wrote a post on an AP board saying basically what I said in my last log here and it was actually welcomed with open arms by many people (especially the “old timers”that were leaving for the same reasons)… Today the board is actually different, the posts are more positive and the answers are no longer just to please but are based on AP thought, Not everyone is happy of course because a lot of people that consider themselves AP but use CIO etc are no longer free to rule the board, The advice that come “types” of CIO are OK blah blah blah will no longer be tolerated anymore……and the thing is… I really don’t care what they think… It is an AP board and somethings just don’t belong!
The AP moms are finally finding their voices again..
You can read the thread here…
I go on a few message boards once in a while and I do not like what I am seeing. AP is taking a shift towards the mainstream within the boards and therefore I am shifting more and more away from the term.
The problem that I see is that when I discovered the AP philosophy it was about breastfeeding, co-sleeping, baby wearing, natural birth etc being tools to help a mother bond and get ‘attached’… CIO was a no-no and couldn’t be part of being AP…the people were also more into natural parenting… …
The trend however has been leaning towards a new and more open view of AP. It seems that the new AP parent can forgo all of the tools of Attachment Parenting and even use CIO… it seems that the definition of listening to your child and responding to it’s needs now include the ‘need’ for a baby to learn how to fall asleep by himself, the ‘need’ for a baby to learn how to self-soothe and the need for the child to adhere to the parents way of life.
This new form of AP is very disturbing to me and I can’t relate. It makes me mad when someone asks for advice from AP moms (or people that call themselves AP) and gets a response that talks about CIO and how it isn’t that bad and how it works. They don’t agree with extinction CIO (when you leave baby CIO until they fall asleep and it can take hours) but they talk about Ferber (intervals of 5, 10, 15 min etc) or the Sleep-Lady (CIO with Parent in the room just ignoring the child)
For me this is a good definition of what AP is…
Attachment Parenting Principles:The basic components of a nurturing, instinctive parenting style….
Being informed about your birth options. Educating yourself about the birthing process and planning for a birth that is intervention free as possible.
Forming an early connection to your child, using the initial hours after birth to bond and having your baby “room in” with you after a hospital birth rather than in the nursery. (I need to add that Home Births hsould also be an ideal *paxye)
Responding quickly to your baby’s cries and knowing that you can’t “spoil” her by feeding and holding her whenever she needs you to.
Breastfeeding exclusively and on baby’s cue for at least 6 months followed by the introduction of solids when your child is ready combined with continued nursing.
Child led weaning: knowing that it is natural and normal for children to breastfeed for well over one (TWO *paxye) years.
Wearing your baby in a sling.
Using gentle discipline techniques. Knowing the difference between discipline and punishment and avoiding physical or shame-inducing punishment. Being authoritative rather than authoritarian or overly permissive.
You allow and encourage your child to share sleep with you. Realizing that your child needs do not desist at sunset and that nurturing is important around the clock, you willingly accept that for this season of your life, your “marital bed” should be your family bed.
Learning, understanding and following your childs cues. Knowing that your child has his own schedule for physical, emotional and social development, toilet learning and indepedence issues rather than trying to force him into an “expected” time frame. (IPT or EC should also be an IDEAL * paxye)
Believing that by meeting your childs needs during infancy and toddlerhood you are encouraging the development of a healthy, happy, independent person.
You are flexible and realize that what worked last week might not work this week, and that what works for one child may not work for another. You are willing to educate yourself about parenting and make the extra effort that your children are worth.
You don’t fall for the “quality time” myth. You recognize that real quality time consists of more time (spent cuddling, reading, playing, learning or just being together) not short frantic bursts of “fun” activities.
Upon finding find out you are pregnant with your second child, you don’t even set up a crib, you start shopping for a king sized bed. You decide to give tandem nursing a try instead of weaning your nursing toddler.
You make time with your children a priority, regardless of material sacrifices that might have to be made. Obviously, single parents have to work, and there are other families that truly need two incomes. But you recognize that nurturing is of vast importance in your child’s early years and that day care, while it may be adequate, is not as beneficial to your child as you are.
You know who Ezzo, and Ferber are and they make you at least slightly queasy.
You avoid the typical mother substitutes that are so prevelant in our society from the seemingly benign: Blankies and “lovies” (when used as a substitute for your presence) cribs, playpens, and pacifiers to the patently absurd: teddy bea
rs with heartbeats, cribs that simulate womb movement, bottle holders (if you are doing any bottle feeds).
The premise that fully nurturing your children is considered by many to be the antithesis of feminism infuriates you, and you won’t buy into that belief system. If you are female, you are proud to be a stay at home mother and consider it the most important thing you could possibly doing right now. You want to raise your children yourself, not hand them over to someone else to do the job.
Moving Beyond The Basics: Taking attachment to the next level……
You plan for a home birth (or perhaps a birthing center) with a midwife.
You are considering, or are at least open to the possibility, of home-schooling or un-schooling.
You educate yourself about circumcision and choose not to make your male children suffer through the pain and trauma of the procedure without a very good reason.
You vaccinate your kids because you have made an informed decision, not just because it’s what you are “supposed” to do. Just for the record: we did choose to vaccinate…for a variety of reasons.
You don’t allow violent toys and entertainment in your home. Creative toys and play reign.
You restrict the amount of television that your child watches, perhaps you don’t even own one.
http://www.parentingweb.com/ap/ap_info.htm
I made a friend a little while back and we hit it off right away… we don’t see each other often because of all different kinds of circumstances but we both really want to… It makes me realize though when we talk that I really miss having a close friend. I haven’t had a great mutual friendship in a long time. Sure, there are people that I love to talk to, that I love to get together with but we are not at the same place in our lives, and it just isn’t the same. With this new friend however, we have the same goals, the same ideologies (breastfeeding, co-sleeping, positive parenting, whole foods etc) and we just hit it off from the moment that we met… she is someone that I know will never judge me and she is someone that I miss when we go without talking for a while. And the great thing is that she calls me too and she also really shows me that she feels the same…
I often think about moving back to BC but today when I thought about it I realized how much she meant to me because it pained me to think that moving away would mean putting this friendship on hold…
Isn’t a friendship powerful….