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Transitional Objects…

On an AP newsgroup that I read and participate on I had a little debate this morning… It was friendly, I don’t think any feelings where hurt on either side so there is no harm done… however, I feel the need to talk about the subject here on my blog…

A question was asked…Are AP’d kids less likely to need a”lovie”, pacifier etc… My first instinct is to say yes… however, 19 responses later revealed that many of the kids have transitional object…

However, I still believe that AP kids are less likely to need them…First, Pacifiers…It seems that most people that answered that their kids are attached to pacifiers are the ones that didn’t breastfeed for whatever reason… (I will be addressing this in another post 😉 ), a few kids had transitional object because of daycare and then a 2-3 others that had kids that picked up transitional objects for no reason other then they wanted it… and then a few moms had kids that had no attachments to any object…

One woman then mentioned that she was talking to a “PH.D” friend of hers that told her that having a paci etc is not a burden but a “gift”… the gift to “self-soothe”… this is where the debate started (if you could even call it that)…

I’m in Blue she is in Red

As for the pp who talked about the importance of a transitional object because the child learns to ‘self-soothe’ I respectively don’t agree… they are not ‘self-soothing’ they relying on an object to soothe them… Take away the object, you take away the ‘ability’…

Also, I don’t see the importance of ‘self-soothing’ until they are ready to do so, so I would rather them depend on me then on an object… I am also one of those that do not like Paci’s… especially for a breastfed baby… I understand that some moms say they need them but in the year that I have been a breastfeeding counsellor I have seen too many cases of nipple confusion and low supply issues because of a paci… and personally I would rather be the paci for my kids…
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with a transitional object… Personally, I don’t like it but I do know that many kids really need it and it is a lifesaver for moms that can’t be there all of the time… of kids that just really need them…


Self-soothing is a good thing at any age! I agree that the bink in the early weeks can interfere with BF and should be avoided.

I am confident I can soothe my child, but I am also confident not to feel guilty or less-AP if my baby can find comfort in his bink or his thumb.

Some babies and children get comfort orally — no biggie. Others like the feel and touch of something. Also no biggie. Any child who can center themselves with the use of a transitional object is blessed with a gift — and there is absolutely NO HARM in that gift unless it interferes with developmental progress, which is extremely rare.

Again.. I have see nothing wrong or un-AP with a child choosing a transitional object… and I don’t see anything wrong with self-soothing at any age (if the child chooses to do it and is not forced to do it)
But, again, I don’t see it as “Self-soothing” when there is a reliance on something (be it a person or an object)
So I personally wouldn’t agree with the PHD friend of yours as seeing it as a gift… it is just another thing that the child will have to wean from… (which again is OK if done when they are ready to do it by themselves)
I guess the best way to explain what I mean is to say this…
I think that personality can bring some kids to seek a transitional object even if they are the most attached, AP’d child and any AP mom will recognize that need…
However, I also think that AP’d kids NEED less transitional objects because of the parenting style… KWIM?

I agree with almost everything but your last nine words. :)

I’d say that it may be true that AP children on average may use transitional objects less because AP parents on the whole don’t introduce them.

And I think we are just speaking past each other on the self-soothing. I define self soothing as being able to center oneself without the aid of another person, you seem to define it as centering without the aid of anything external. What is interesting about your definition is that I can’t even do that [i/]. LOL!

In order to relax, I often need to have a drink of water, or a nice long hug from DH. Sometimes when I am tense at work I find myself chewing on the end of my pencil. These actions all “soothe” me. Indeed, I only know a few [i/] grown ups who can effectively self-soothe completely on their own without any external assistance. Those folks are rare and truly amazing people — they tend not get to get ruffled by anything.

So I count the use of transitional objects and binks as a means of self-soothing. Most children will give up such objects/habits when they are ready to give them up — sort of like child led weaning.

Personally I see self-soothing as a way of coping without relying on one fixed object (be it a paci, a bear or even mom)… and though I think that learning how to “self-soothe’ is important later on in life… I don’t emphasize the importance in infancy, babyhood, toddlerhood etc… Of course, again there are some children that will latch themselves on an object even if the parent is there… and I think that that can be part of a natural progression…
And, personally, IMO, I would rather be that ‘object’ then having something else…I think that kids need to have us to rely on so that we can in turn teach them how to soothe themselves.. KWIM?
Of course, as an adult I too have things to help me cope and “self-soothe”, DH, hot bath, a cup of tea, music etc…
I also don’t see anything wrong in having someone to help you soothe as an adult as long as you have those skills in place…
I’d say that it may be true that AP children on average may use transitional objects less because AP parents on the whole don’t introduce them.

I agree… BUT, It’s not like AP moms keep all teddy bears, blankets etc away from their kids…if a child wants or needs a transitional object they WILL find one..and an AP mom won’t take it away but nurture that need…
however, I do think that AP kids need them less…

I guess we’ll have to agree on disagreeing 😉;)

Anyway… I really don’t think that there is anything wrong with having a transitional object as long as it is not because there is a lack of parental attachment, and I think that the need comes up less in AP kids then in non-AP’d kids… I also think that those that do choose an object for themselves often do it later on and it is truly a “transitional” object to help them on their own path to independence.
I even have to admit that both boys do have Teddies (well an Owl and a mouse) that we gave them with the hope that they would become favorites… however, neither of them did… both do like their blankets that they sleep with every night but they are not missed if they are not there…

so what do you think?

Do AP’d kids NEED lovies paci’s etc as much as non-AP’d kids?

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French/english school…

Yesterday I went to Xavier’s daycare because it was their picture day and it wasn’t a day that he goes to daycare…
While I was waiting a mom there heard me speak in English to Xavier and asked me if I was going to send him to “Harold Sheppard” the only english school in the region… I told her that I didn’t think so because I didn’t hear good things about it … and just before I told her that I was going to be homeschooling anyways she told me how she had heard that it was a great school and that is why she is sending her kids there… I told her about what I had heard….It is an English school in which the teachers are french, french is spoken in the school and the level of english is seemingly appalling… She interupted me again saying that she didn’t find that and she even had to fight with the teachers to speak french with her daughter because her daughter didn’t know a word of english and it wasn’t fair for her, and that she even though of taking her out of the school because she is there to learn english, “afterall we are in Quebec” so they should speak french…. ARGGGHHHH …
First I I looked at this mom like she had a second head… and then I couldn’t help it… So I told her… See, THAT’s why I don’t want to send me kids there… when there are is large majority of the kids that don’t speak english at all, never have and then the parents tell the teachers to speak in french also, I can’t imagine the level of english is near standard, and if the kids are just learning how to speak english the entire time, when do they learn all of the other stuff?… I then told her that I was going to homeschool anyways…
It is an ENGLISH SCHOOL!!! I understand that people want their kids to learn english but why does it have to sacrifice education… I called the school yesterday after this incident and asked them about their school… yes most of the teachers are bilingual but with french as their first language and out of the 80 families that have kids in the school only 3 are english…
I am glad that I am going to Homeschool… I have always wanted it and more and more there is no other alternative…

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Things that Irk me!!

  • People that think babies have to be trained like Dogs and make their kids CIO, or even go as low as following ‘To Train up a child” by the Pearls.. (I can’t believe that kids are subjected to such abuse!) So many people actually think that this is “god’s” way to raise a child… with “Obedience Training” (really they even use that term) …the jist of it… whenever a child does something swat them and they will associate pain with doing the “bad” thing so finally they won’t do it anymore… in other words beat into submission…
  • People that try to convert me
  • People that think Ezzo has anything good to say
  • People that read books about parenting but never just listen to their own child
  • People that believe everything the doctor says even though it is proven wrong and contradicts all research out there..
  • People that beleive their doctor but ignore their childs needs (especially about night feeding)
  • People that think there is a difference between CIO methods (modified CIO, “fuss it out” Ferber, Ezzo etc)
  • People that make up excuses just because they don’t want to say the true reason for something because they don’t want to look bad… This irks me especially with something like breastfeeding because the excuses that some people use can really hurt someone elses nursing relationship…
  • People that say they are going to do something and don’t do it
  • People that are late
  • Bad Drivers
  • People that don’t let others speak their mind, or even don’t let people be happy about something justbecause they don’t want to feel guilty about their decisions
  • My mother
  • People that always compare my kids with others
  • Family members that play favorites with kids
  • Mainstream parenting books and magazines
  • Formula Companies
  • Nestle

    • More to come….

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    PPD…. (and breastfeeding…. or lack of)

    I have encountered many people lately that have suffered greatly from PPD (post partum Depression) A running theme that I have often encountered is that many of the Moms are not breastfeeding and have never breastfed, or tried and it didn’t work out for whatever reason (informed or uninformed) …
    I believe that PPD is very real and that it is something that many women go through… However, I also believe that it is diagnosed too much and that medication is given when it is not always the best answer… However, there is something else that I am starting to believe more and more…
    When our child is born the natural thing is to breastfeed (Formula is not natural no debate could convince me otherwise) when a women doesn’t breastfeed however, the body stops producing the hormones to make milk….(milk production is activated by demand which then makes the body produce hormones which develops the milk) Anyways, when these hormones are no longer in production the body actually think that the baby has died which makes the body in question start the process to become pregnant again…
    If your body believes that your offspring has died wouldn’t the logical conclusion be that sometimes the body reacts negatively chemically and therefore not breastfeeding could be a cause of PPD?
    Another thing is that breastfeeding helps create a very strong bond between Mom and baby. This is why Breastfeeding is one of the fundamentals in Attachment Parenting. Couldn’t it also be that this lack of bonding that is often a cause of PPD also come from the lack of not breastfeeding?
    I do completely understand that PPD is a medical condition that can stem from many reasons or even no reason at all but I really believe that the lack of breastfeeding can often have a lot to do with it…

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    Baby Training… CIO vent

    Why do people find the need to train their babies? Why do people expect their children to be so grown up so quickly. It is getting to be ridiculous! I mean… what do people really expect their children to be when they are born…
    The images we see are so far from reality… TV always has that perfect image of a parent taking a completly awake baby and placing it in a crib, turning the light off and that’s it… When we become parents, especially when we are not around kids too often, we almost expect that this will be so… but when it doesn’t happen then we search on ways to make things best and of course get some sleep…
    When Xavier was born I didn’t know what AP was, but the minute I held him in my arms things just fell into place… He slept so well cuddled between Dh and I, falling asleep at the breast each time. People around me said it was bad but I just felt I was doing the right things that ensured that everyone get good sleep. Some say that I was lucky because Xavier was sleeping through the night by 8 weeks and that I never knew what bad nights were and so I couldn’t talk about my experiences because I had never been in their position…
    However, these people that were having rough nights and whose babies where not sleeping enough (or the parents where not sleeping enough) are the same parents that refused to bring their baby into their bed and insisted that they learn how to “self-soothe”… Why does a 3, 6 or 9 month old baby need to learn to “self-soothe”? If they need to have a little help to fall asleep what’s wrong with that? Why don’t use gentler ways to guide a baby into sleep…
    When Colin was born I realized how much 2 siblings can be polar opposites. Colin was a very fussy High Needs baby that didn’t want to sleep through the night and often woke up 3-4 X a night… however, he slept happily between DH and I and nursed to sleep almost every time (he is a baby that often wants to be put down to fall asleep alone though, or unlatches and rolls over before falling asleep) Even on nights that he didn’t want to fall asleep right away when he woke in the middle of the night I just slept beside him while he was awake and we again never lost sleep… Are we just lucky again.. I don’t thing so.. I think we just have a method that works…
    I understand that some people think that making their baby CIO (cry it out) is the only way that they will learn how to sleep, I also understand that they find it hard but they feel they have to do it… and they stand beside the fact that it does work… But the reason that it works is because the baby knows that as much as they need their parent, as much as they want to be held, as much as they are thirsty, hungry, uncomfortable or lonely, their parents won’t come when they cry…. and they are made to retreat into themselves and give up… Which is why when a baby is sick and their cries are responded to for a few nights the process has to start all over again…
    The worst thing I have heard of now in this is that you can now Hire a Nanny to come over for a few nights and make your baby CIO for you… That means that Parents can snuggle with the one they love, in a warm bed together (maybe even the family cat or dog snoozing at their feet) while the little baby, the most helpless in the household is in a dark room crying with a stranger checking in on them once in a while (if they are checking in at all)… I makes me feel ill and makes me want to cry…
    I don’t remeber where I hard this but it is now my Motto…
    In my house, Nobody cries alone…..

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