This summer has marked a big turning point in our family, a summer full of new gained independence. When I was young I was walking across town by 6-7 years old, going to the park, heading to the store and was almost never at home… Things have definitely changed. Not that I believe that crime is up or that kids are less safe, but I believe that people keep to themselves more, communities are more closed, kids more controlled and there is less trust all over. Maybe it is just in my community, maybe it is more widespread, but I don’t see kids walking around alone much anywhere.
Around the end of last spring, Xavier started going on his own to the park.It is not far, it is pretty direct but he had never shown any interest before and I was just waiting for him. It was only for a few minutes and he was too nervous to stay too long but he went and came back quickly, and went a few times after that… however, when I would head to the park with the kids there were times that we would take other routes and he couldn’t get his bearings so I didn’t think that he was quite ready to explore much yet.
However, a few weeks ago he went out on his bike and stayed for a bit longer. I wasn’t worried, Xavier is quite cautious and in most of the things he does, he has trouble testing his own limits until he is completely comfortable that he can do something… (of course then there is no stopping him!)… then I get a bit more nervous…
When he came back, he told me about all the places he had gone… he explored the neighbourhood, went to the limits without crossing any of the big streets. My heart stopped for second… he had gone so far, he had explored so much. He found paths that lead between houses, and he had gotten lost and then found himself again, he saw where Simon takes the bus and then when he got home his mind was set on picking Simon up at the bus stop when he came home from work. There is a big street to cross… it was farther than I thought I would be comfortable with… but he explained the way perfectly and I swallowed my fears and let him go.
So he left….
and came back beaming next to Simon…
and
The next day,
Colin went with him.
Since then, Xavier and Colin, my 9-year-old and my newly 7-year-old, have headed out on their bikes or by foot, exploring the neighbourhood, meeting kids (well, before school started again) and on almost a daily basis they head out before supper and come back with Simon, Walking or biking the 3 km (1.8 miles) to go pick up their father…
It is hard to let go of some fears at times, but it is the only way to let them grow… and I am so happy that they are not only finding this new independence but there are gaining the confidence that comes with it.
How far do your kids go? How old are they?
I have serious issues letting go. I think of how easily my 11 year old loses focus and begins to daydream. Will she walk into the street mindlessly? My husband encourages me that she is capable and I CAN release her more and more to her own choices and activities. Just last summer she began exploring the neighborhood, initially a garage sale, just up the street, where she had spied something she was interested in, then one further off, and she became lost *thankgoodness I didn’t know at the time!* but she very capably found her way home and all was well. She now goes to the nearest corner store *not to shop, just to “feel grown up”* and back, even taking the dog and her 10 year old sister.
It is hard to release our little chicks to the great, wide open and accept that they are mature, responsible and gracious enough to handle that which they encounter.
I still need a lot of reminders that I need to continue letting out the anchor chain allowing them to explore more and more independence.
Yes, It is so hard to step back at times… But it is amazing to see what blossoms when you do.
My (only) son is barely 20 months, so he goes to the next room by himself and we think it’s far. Although I have memories similar to yours – long hours exploring on my bike, solo trips to the park and the library – and I plan to allow my son to do the same. We live in an area that is pedestrian-friendly, so I don’t think I’ll worry too much about him.
Have you seen Free Range Kids? If you find yourself getting caught up in the “what-if’s” part of worrying, Lenore’ll help set you straight: http://freerangekids.wordpress.com/
I do know freerangekids and Lenore.. Though I can’t fin it at this moment I remember writing about her article when it made headlines a few years ago…
I knew that one day the day would come and was waiting for it but it is different thinking about it when kids are small and the finally getting there and living it later on…
🙂
My 8 yo recently started walking her puppy (about a mile) on her own, or staying home occasionally for about the length of time it takes me to walk the puppy for a mile with her two little sisters. I second the recommendation for free range kids 🙂
I have yet to leave one of the kids at home… It just hasn’t come up yet 🙂
My eldest daughter won’t be 5 until November, but I do give her a lot of leeway when we are out together, which sounds like it’s not the same thing, but let me explain a little bit. When we go grocery shopping, I let her carry the basket and have a list that we wrote and drew a picture of the corresponding fruit/vegetable etc., and the # I would like, i.e. apples, 3 red, 2 green. I go to the north of the fruit/veggy isles where I can see her but she is happily picking out the fruit and vegetables that are on our list, and also getting stuff from the bakery in my section. So that when she comes back with her basket full of fruit and vegetables, she see’s that the cart is also full, that I was ‘shopping’ and so was she (without me hovering over her!) 🙂
Not sure if that is exactly the same thing, but baby steps!
I’d be so proud if her and her sister were able to go to the park (literally at the end of the block) by themselves at some point before dinner etc. but at almost 5 and newly 2, it’s not in the cards for awhile!
that picture of the kids coming home with their dad almost made me cry. definitely made me smile big! i’m so happy that they have found this new independence, too … it’s something from my childhood that i think definitely helped shape the person i became over time. i was delighted to be able to head out alone on my bike, especially being the youngest of six. such a great feeling to head out on your own and explore new places when you’re a child!
I was listening to a podcast about this and they said that crime rates (in the US but Canada is probably similar) peaked in the early 90’s and have dropped since. So, crime rates now are at or less where they were when we were kids. My son does not really have the desire to go far (he’s 7) but I’d be willing to let him ride his bike specific places if he wanted to. I probably would not let him roam around aimlessly, as those kinds of kids get into mischief around my neighborhood, but if he had a specific destination in mind I’d be fine w/ it. Like your oldest, he’s very cautious so I don’t think HE’S ready for that yet.
This past summer was the first that my 9 and 6.5yo girls started walking to friends houses around the neighborhood. I’m a little nervous about it, but the other moms and I are all talking about it and doing little things like making gates in our fences and trails through the field so the kids can get around easily.
From 5yo I was going all over the place on my own. Times are different, not the crime rates, but the way we corall kids.
My 11 y/o roams the neighborhood on his bike, sometimes my 6 y/o goes with him. He also walks our dog in the nabe twice a day. My 9 y/o is not much interested in exploring, but I think that’s mostly because her friends stay close to home.
My kids aged 8, 8, 10 and 13 explore the neighbourhood, but their biggest achievement this year was allowing the 10 and 13 year old to bike the 1km to the library on their own and take the city bus across town to a (home) school program this summer. It was hard for me, ( I watched the clock constantly) but they felt so proud!
I also think it’s great for kids to learn how to use a public phone and call collect (from the same town/city) for when they don’t have change or a cel phone. Not too many kids know how to do that anymore.
A timely blog post. My heart is feeling pangs as we allow our eldest, now 9 yrs old, to take a city bus alone 6 stops to arrive at the doorstep of the local YMCA.
Raising kids is a series of weanings, and it is not physically possible for me to shepherd him to the swim club practice every time. It is 3 times per week, during prime dinner preparation time (16h30 to 18h). Today he will take the bus there alone, and I will accompany him back home after. By Monday he will have to do the whole round trip himself, as I will be on a train heading for Montreal.
I love this saying: “A ship in harbour is SAFE, but that’s NOT what ships are built for”! :o)
you are doing a fantastttic job with letting go…
That’s what attachment parenting is all about: being there 100% totally when kids need us (breastfeeding, cosleeping, baby carrying etc etc) that they feel so connected and secure, and eventually at their own rythm, they want to fly further away from us… that’s the hardest part! Keep on with the breathing and letting go!!!
congratulations
Joanna