What is it about guilt and parenting?
When I think of guilt I think that it is the feeling that you get when you know you are choosing to do something that you shouldn’t do, or know that is not the best choice. Guilt is something that is so personal and no one can make you feel guilty if you know that there are no other choices or that you are doing the right thing.
In the breastfeeding, birth, parenting and all the other debates the subject of guilt always come up… we must not talk about the importance of breastfeeding ,natural birth, gentle parenting, the benefits of baby wearing or co-sleeping and so-on because we might happen to make someone feel guilty…
That is completely absurd though…
Why not be able to speak the truth just because someone might have to face the choice they made?
Yes, there are of course those that could not breastfeed for whatever reason and some reasons of course are completely undisputable and many are simply because of lack of knowledge or support. Some may just not know better not to hit their children because they don’t know about alternatives, or had made their kids CIO because they thought it was best or the only choice they had…
But then I go back in that case to what feeling guilty is… it is feeling remorse for doing something that you know was not the best choice. However, If that choice has been taken away from you, then you may feel sadness, you may feel anger at the situation but you should not feel guilt… and if you made the choice that you thought was best at the time but later find out that you could have chosen better then there is no point in feeling guilty either… you cannot change the past but at the very least you can make different and better choices in the future or try your best to correct your mistakes… and not only should guilt not be felt but it should be important to get the right information out so that others do not go down the same path.
It is therefore important to talk about the importance of certain choices. There is no debate in the fact that formula is not equal to breastfeeding and that the lack of breast milk and the use of formula can cause sickness, diabetes, obesity, cancer, asthma and even death. Being unable to breastfeed must be hard to say least but there is a complete lack of milk maids in our society and time… and a lack of breast milk banks… and because those are not available, then formula is the next choice. Yes, it is not the best… but it is also no longer a choice… and it is the best you could do and it was done with the best intentions.
Of course there are those that do believe that formula is equal… or “just as good” as breast milk… or those who believe that not spanking is permissive parenting and that kids are not capable of being taught right and wrong without violence… or those that believe that kids just need to cry themselves to sleep because if not they will never learn how to fall asleep otherwise. But those are not the people that are likely to feel guilty, just as I will never feel guilty about breastfeeding, choosing not to spank or co-sleeping…
There was a time that I had no real qualms in feeding my children foods with harmful chemicals such as food dyes or artificial flavouring, I was watching out for other things that I did not want to feed them and thought that I was making good choices… and there are other choices that I made that I also did with the best intentions but now know better…
I do feel remorse for some of the choices I have made and I believe that I still experience the consequences of those choices at times… but I can’t change what I once did and did with good intentions, and I won’t stop someone from talking about those things even though it might make me remember my past choices… I can however work on repairing the damage and making better choices in the future… so I do not feel guilty and if I do then it is a sign that I need to work on forgiving myself and keep striving for better…
Anyway… my point is that I am tired of not being able to talk about things just for the fear of making someone feel guilty. Stating facts or sharing personal experiences is not something that people do to make others feel guilty (nor is it a direct judgement on others that don’t make the same choices… but that is another post… 😉
If you feel guilt then it is up to you to look at why and see what you can do to change that. Either by accepting that you made the best choice with the best intentions with the best knowledge you had at the time or that you can change something now or in the future to rectify it and feel better. I just wish that people could own their own feelings instead of trying to making others hide their feelings or hide the truth so that they just don’t have to think about it…
Wow, that blog post made me feel so guilty. Shame on you!
Just kidding of course. I totally hear you. I wish people would take more responsibility for their feelings and reactions. It’s certainly important to be aware of the way we are speaking so that we are compassionate and respectful to others but still be able to share our true thoughts and opinions on issues. And I’m not talking about sugar coating what we want to say either. From there it’s up to the listener to hear what you are saying and that it’s not being said as a means to making you feel guilty.
As Eleanor Roosevelt so plainly stated, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.”
I looked up the word guilt and the definitions that resonated with me are: shame, wrong, inadequacy and morally delinquent. Hmmmm…I feel guilty a lot and it is usually associated with my own sense of selfishness. My guilt is around my mother… although I do feel guilty about my kids a lot of the time. I find it hard to convert people that “just don’t get it” about schooling, birthing, breastfeeding, etc and I have come to realize that in most circles, especially down here in lala land, I just have to keep my mouth shut or I just won’t have any friends!
I do wish however that they would listen to me:)
I sooooooooooo agree with all of this. You put it so eloquently!
When I had my first daughter I was surprised that so much of the “parenting culture” around here was influenced by another force–fear. Parents were afraid of everything: turning the seat at the wrong time, not reading books early enough, not attending music classes when the rest of the families were. It was really disappointing to be surrounded by all this fear when I just wanted to relish my new baby with 100% of my energy. I learned to just ignore the comments. I made the best decisions I could and kept informed, but didn’t get swept away.
WOW!!! That is exactly what I was trying to say!… So well put. I am going to link to this post from my blog.. I have been struggling trying to explain on my blog why posting facts about co-sleeping is not trying to make other moms feel guilty.
I was almost completely clueless about how I would parent when I became pregnant for the first time. I’d never heard about attachment parenting. I didn’t know if I would have a natural birth or not. I knew I would breastfeed. That’s about the only one of the things I feel so strongly about now that I felt strongly about then. Perhaps the main reason that I put so much effort into finding a way to parent that felt good was because my mother would tell me that she wished she had done things differently, but she hadn’t known what else to do. She has always expressed great remorse for the way she parented. Since I didn’t have my mother’s example to fall back on, I had to find something.
Then after trying so hard to do better for my own children, I encountered all that defensiveness from parents who chose differently.
Hiya!
What a fantastically written and spot on post. It’s even worse trying to help people see the effect of guilt on children when you don’t have children yourself.
My beautiful niece and nephew were born, like all children, incredible creatures, full of the energy of life and learning capacities of a giant sponge! The older they get the more they are becoming apathetic about the wonder of life and more reliant on cola, t.v. and plastic. The oldest is only 4. Breaks my heart.
Their parents feel huge guilt at this, but somehow they can’t bring themselves to change it. It’s too hard for them. The more guilt they feel the worse it gets.
It’s such a hard situation. All I can do to help is interact with my niece and nephew as much as possible, in the way that gets them enjoying the simple things again. A weekend playing outside, making fairy dens and catching bugs and they don’t ask for telly or sweets and they sleep all night without crying that they don’t want to go to bed and wake up happy and refreshed. The difference is amazing. But then, I don’t have to look after them everyday. So what do I know.
love hen
xx
[…] meaning to write a post on misplaced reactionary guilt based defensiveness for quite some time. Paxye’s written about guilt before and we’ve talked at length about this subject but I’d like to take […]