On Tuesday I woke up thinking that we had two weeks left until Wilhelmina’s surgery… As I changed her bandage I thought… “maybe just one more time after this…”
But then, just before noon I got a call from the hospital telling me that her date has been moved up to the 4th… next Tuesday. Just one week from the day.
So soon
I am not a very spiritual person, but certain days hold more memories than others and October 4th is one of those. The most important memory is that is was my stepfather’s birthday and though I think about him nearly every day, having her surgery scheduled for the same day just feels right in a way.
So I am working hard to process all the apples that we picked on Monday so that I don’t lose any the time that I am gone and I am thinking about the types of meals and trying to plan a bit ahead for the time that I will be in the hospital with her. Never leaving her side has the disadvantage of not being able to eat very much, or eat very well. So I am planning on making and dehydrating soup to bring and making a few other treats and snacks that will be filing and will keep the time I am there.
But in this time of preparation, I am also getting nervous…
This morning the urology nurse that I really like called me to say that she will be on vacation and to give me the contact number for another nurse if I have any questions. She then told me what to expect for the pre-op on Monday and then a bit of what to expect for the surgery. It made it much more real. My daughter will be taken from me in the waiting room and brought into the operating room by herself. Though the surgery is expected to take 4-5 hours, I have to remember that there is about an hour of prep before that time starts and then about half an hour or more after until she is brought into the recovery room. After that, her transfer to her room will depend on how she is recovering from surgery and there is a possibility that we might spend the night in the recovery room and not in a room.
We will know a bit more on Monday during the pre-op but I would rather remain ignorant at this moment…
Though I am looking forward for this to be over with, to no longer have the nephrostomy tube to deal with, at least at this moment she is happy and doing so well and I am able to hold her when she needs me and when I need her. I have a feeling that the time that she will be in surgery will be the longest hours of my life. I know that this is what she needs and that there really is no alternative, but then there is a part of me that just wants to whisk her away and say that they can’t touch her… she is my baby…
Just 4 more days…
I need to stay strong, but it is so hard some times.
Oh I could just squeeze you. I’m so sorry you and Willa are facing such a daunting situation. Your strength and courage and grace will communicate peace to her as she goes away from you. How well I know the horrible emotions which go along with separation from your baby! Under your wing, where she belongs is where you want her to be, and allowing her to be taken, even for her own wellness, can feel like such a betrayal of your relationship and your efforts and principles, as a Mama. It’s ok to be afraid and to be wishful. Hang in there. In the moment you will be what you need to be in order to get Willa through this. Courage, to turn your face to the wind for just a few moments.
I know you don’t know me, but I’ve been a reader of your blog for several years. I will be thinking of you as you prepare for her surgery and of course on that day. You are such a great momma and I know you’ll make W. as comfortable as possible.
O my… such a big moment a big step for all of you. and soon all this épreuve will be over!
wishing you all so much courage for the 4th.
is there anyway that you can give her something (a little peace of tissue, music, i don’t know but an object or so) that she can hold on to and makes her feel in connection although you can’t be there…and what a pitty you can’t be there… is there no way to have you in the room. even if you are not close, just that she can feel your presence and see you would be a world of difference.
doctors are parents too… i can’t understand they wouldn’T understand that this could really help her be as calm and positive as needed.
you can help more than a nurse just by being there…
all the best to you, keep us posted!
? know these are diffucult days, i know those feelings are not easy to deal but hang on there, find ways to keep you and your brain really busy. These will be over soon, you and your family will be back to your daily routine, you will get some rest both physically and mentally. Take care, my thoughts are with you, everything will be fine.
Oh Mama, I will be sending positive vibes your way for Monday.
Lurker alert… A few weeks ago, I had to let my 4 yr old, Matthew go under general.. They took him from my arms, crying, screaming “Mama”. He doesn’t remember it, and that brought me a lot of comfort. It was a lot harder on me than him. The best thing I did was bring a favorite blanket for him, it stayed with him the whole time. I was so RELIEVED when it was over and he was with me again. I can’t wait for it to be Wednesday for you…