On the board that I Host the last few weeks have been bombarded with “Sleep Issues” and many people coming and saying that CIO can be OK because it is doing what is “best” for baby and mom…
This infuriates me…. There is NO WAY that CIO can be an appropriate response…
A mom there was saying how discouraged she was getting about “AP” because she is tired of her 9 month old not sleeping through the night and how she just thinks that responding to the child’s needs is the cause of the sleep problems… especially since all of the moms that did CIO at 3 months of age are all sleeping great….
So, I had to respond…
“Here is my opinion on the whole subject… and why I think you should not be discouraged…
First…
There is a big population of kids that are forced to cry themselves to sleep night after night (and it IS emotional damaging and can lead to emotional problems later on in life)
Also Crying to sleep is SOLELY for the benefit of the parent… NOT the child… Crying to sleep is physically and emotionally draining (if you have ever done it then you know how draining it is)… (this is another reason that CIO may also “help” them sleep longer)
Also, CIO is not a one time solution because it has to be done over and over again… Say if a child is sick, or teething and and actually gets a response from their parent then they regain the hope that their parent will come to them when they need it and have to be trained all over again…
Another thing is that kids that CIO or are sleep-trained, DO wake up in the night they just know that if they cry no one cares enough to come, they give up… Also like a few of the pp said… some parents just exaggerate and don’t want to admit that they may attend to their child at night because they feel “guilty”….
And, as another pp said… AP parents are maybe more in tune with their parenting style and don’t have as much guilt that their child is not “sleeping through the night”….
So… I think it is NORMAL that a large majority of children are not sleeping through the night…if it wasn’t normal then there wouldn’t be so much money being made in trying to solve “sleep problems” and it wouldn’t be such a big issue…
As for when it comes to Attachment Parenting and “sleep issues”…
Personally… I think that more parents are losing sleep over the idea that their child is not sleeping through the night and also they try to impose what they think a child should be doing instead of letting the child lead…
We all know that trying to get a child to sleep when WE are ready for them to go to sleep but THEY are not is a tiring and exasperating struggle… The moms that I know (AP or NOT) that don’t have “sleep issues” are the ones that try and if it doesn’t work then they just let the child have quiet play etc and then try again when they see another sleepy cue…
Also, there is nothing wrong with nursing to sleep… they will wean from it by themselves when they are ready to do so… Nursing to sleep is a great parenting tool and is not a bad habit… Nature has made us in a way that the hormones in warm milk (like breastmilk) help us fall asleep (even some adults have warm milk before going to sleep)…
Also, a point to make is that a FIVE hour stretch is considered “Sleeping through the night” and NOT the 10-12 hours that people boast about…
So if a child is sleeping 8pm to 1am or 12pm -5am then they are sleeping through the night in the technical sense…
Of course if we didn’t go to sleep at 7pm.. but went to sleep at 11pm then we have only had a 2 hour sleep if our child wakes at 1am then we will not be as well rested. However, he problem then is with OUR sleeping habits, not the child’s!
Of course we don’t want to go to be at 7pm so instead we can try other things such as “dream-nursing” before we go to bed. Co-sleep so that we don’t have to wake fully etc…
Anyway… my point is that it is normal for many kids to be waking at night…and the problem is more our high expectations (too high) of what they should be doing instead of giving them the benefit of the doubt that will do it when they are ready… also we should look at our individual child and follow their cues instead of looking towards a “sleep expert” or a book… especially since they have never read the book and don’t know that they “should” be doing those things 😉
as for me… I have one child that is nursed to sleep and has been sleeping 10-12 hour nights from the time he was 8 weeks old… and one child that fights sleep like crazy and doesn’t always want to be nursed to sleep and wakes up during the night….both have been parented in the same way.. it is that one was ready (and wouldn’t nap during the day even as a newborn) and the other just still needs me at night…I just don’t stress about it…”
The overall response of the board is to be awaited but it will determine if I am going to stay host or not (and I have been leaning towards resigning for a while now)…
Lately people have been getting the impression that AP is simply having your child be attached to you emotionally and that if you are not an AP parent then you are completely detached…. They also get completely stuck on only one of the 7 B’s (Balance) and seem to be able to dismiss all of the rest (birth bonding, breastfeeding, babywearing, beware of baby trainers, belief in the language value of baby’s cries) and justify dismissing the rest because it will maintain “balance”…
Personally I think the opposite of attachment Parenting is not “detached” but “separation”… They can still be emotionally attached (even a child who is beaten is still emotionally attached to their parents….. and I am Not saying that Mainstream is equal to beating)
But… What I see (and don’t like) about Mainstream parenting is the need and goal of having an independent child at a very young age… They are proud that they can leave their child with anyone… they are proud that they don’t have to hold their child often, they are proud that their child doesn’t care if they are with them or not… they are proud that their child no longer “needs” them…. they also expect that their children shouldn’t need them…
AP is not only about doing what is best for the child but it is about listening to the child and not imposing your expectations on them… Someone who is making their child Cry themselves to Sleep justifies it often by saying that it is what the child “needs” and that they are responding to their childs “need to sleep”…. and can therefore see it in the realm of AP…..But this is NOT AP… this is a mainstream way of thinking…. I don’t think that any mom LIKES to make their child Cry themselves to sleep but they believe that it is in the best interests of the child…. when it is really because of an unrealistic expectation brought on by society…. if they actually listened to what the child needs then there wouldn’t be the need for tears…
Sleep issues has never been something I’ve given much thought to, but I’ve certainly heard it brought up again and again by others. I considered my girls to be “sleeping through the night” from the start, not because they didn’t wake up occassionally, but because they didn’t WAKE UP like with crying and serious wakefulness. Even I wake up occassionally during the night to reposition my body or whatever.
There’s a difference between mothers who intuitively understand AP and those who don’t quite get it. It’s in the way they perceive their babies. Women who don’t get it, don’t fully relate to their babies as equal human beings with the same needs as we all have. They subconsciously see their babies as lesser or different than themselves. This mother knows that crying herself to sleep while her partner sits by unwilling to show concern or to try to meet her needs is not what she needs and will not leave her feeling rested when she wakes, but somehow she doesn’t know the same is true for her baby.
Letting your child CIO can lead to emotional problems later in life???? Wow. I’m sure you’re not surprised by this, but I couldn’t disagree more. I did CIO with my child. She is wonderfully well-adjusted and one would be VERY hard pressed to say that she has emotional problems because of it! Frankly I am shocked you would even IMPLY such a thing. We have a wonderful relationship and I allow her to learn and grow and explore her world independantly – no need for mommy to be constantly hovering over her to protect her.
10 years from now I challenge you to go down to the local playground. You will not be able to tell whether or not ANY of those kids were CIO babies, BF/FF, if they were pushed in a stroller or worn in a sling, or if their moms had epidurals! Differences in parents styles (whether AP or “mainstream”) are just that – DIFFERENCES. Neither one is right or wrong. It is simply a choice.
Birdie…. I couldn’t disagree More with you….
CIO actually changes the way the brain develops and changes the way a person deals with stress later on in life. There is an amazing study in the documentary “Pediatric Neuroscience:
Rage of Innocents (Caregiving and Brain Development)”
“Human infants are born more neurologically incomplete than any other animal. Most brain growth occurs after birth with unprecedented growth occurring during the first few years of life. In this documentary anthropologists from Cornell and Emory Universities and other experts share their findings on the subtle biochemical link between parental attentiveness and the proper development of a child’s brain regions that control responses to stress. The program looks at studies on infant crying, feeding, holding/carrying, and sleep to determine babies biological needs and to define optimal caregiving that helps them learn to cope with stress early on. Parents traditionally do what they believe is right or what is culturally sanctioned, but not necessarily what is best for their children. Recent laboratory research indicates that emotional neglect of children during their first few years of life can have long-term biochemical consequences. The video follows a Mobile Crisis Team as they respond to families having trouble coping with the stress in their lives (Viewers please note: during these stressful scenes strong and offensive language is used). The program also investigates approaches to care-giving from the perspective of evolutionary biology and social science. This program underscores the belief that how children cope with life is determined by their unique brain physiology molded by caregivers. The challenge is to build resilience in children, not vulnerability”
One test even hows how the brain reacts even as a mom simply stops reacting to her child for a minute( not only within the range of sight but even ithin the range of touch) I can’t even imagine the trauma of CIO….
Do you really expect me to believe that our generation is full of completely mentally healthy individuals…. have you noticed that so many people are on antidepresants and other medications, so many people are addicted to one form of drug or another, so many people just can’t deal with stress….
Also…AP has NOTHING to do with hovering… it is actually the complete opposite… it is about giving your child the foundation of trust and letting them be able to explore their own limits always knowing that they have someone to count on…. and not forcing them to be independant before they are ready…. AP kids that I know are way more willing to explore away from their parents because they know that there is always someone to come back whenever they need it (Inot only when it is convenient to the parent)…
here are a few more resources…
http://www.news.harvard.edu/gazette/1998/04.09/ChildrenNeedTou.html
http://touchthefuture.org/services/bonding/main.htm
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/article/0,,8123-1380859_1,00.html
http://www.awareparenting.com/comfort.htm
http://www.apparenting.com/research_shows_prolonged_crying_lowers_iq_in_babies.html
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0838/is_1999_Sept/ai_60947818
As for the Challenge… I will even try to take you up on that…. but I would look beyond the playground. I am sure we will see a difference… The kids that are dealing with health problems are most likely those that were Formula fed… the children and teens that get into trouble and adults that have trouble dealing with stress and have other emotional problems are most likely the ones that where left to CIO and not held enough etc….
Also Formula feeding and making a child cry themselves to sleep are wrong and should not be choices….. if a woman CAN’T Breastfeed then she is not making a choice she is forced to use Formula (there is a difference)…
You are allowed to your opinion and your beliefs, and you may not believe in what I say at all..
However, this is MY belief and there is NOTHING that would cause me to change my mind…..
Why so defensive, Birdie? So you don’t believe that refusing to show concern for your daughter’s tears won’t hurt her. I disagree with all my heart and I feel for your little girl. So you’re confident that she doesn’t need you to protect her. Have you asked her what she needs?
My point is that AP is not the ONLY right way to parent. If you want to do AP then GREAT – I say go for it! But be just as accepting of the choices that others make. And as for asking my daughter what she needs – 99% of the time her response is: “I want to do it MYSELF mommy!” LOL!
No Ap is not the only way to parent… I agree with you… If you don’t believe in the fundamental philosophy of attachment Parenting then that is very much OK…
However, even a non-AP mom doesn’t have to make her child CIO…
Also there are some choices that I just can’t accept and No, i don’t have to accept them……
I cannot accept people making their children cry themselves to sleep,
I cannot accept a mom choosing fomula (especially if she is informed about the dangers of formula (and the benefits of breastfeeding), can breastfeed and just chooses to do so anyways)
I cannot accept a child being beaten,
I cannot accept verbal abuse,
I cannot accept people using children as pawns for their own selfish reasons,
I cannot accept people putting their childrens lives in danger (not using a carseat etc)
and there are many more examples of choices a parent makes that I don’t and won’t accept….
Comparing CIO or formula feeding to a child not being strapped in their carseat or worse – beaten? Really? AP has some great principles I think. For example – next time I have a baby I plan on getting a mei tai. But it is attitudes like that that have made me turned off to AP rather than embrace it.
Back to lurkdom for me I guess.
I didn’t say that they are equal…
I just said that I can’t accept it as a choice that a parent makes… and I can’t…. there is a difference….
It is great that you are thinking about getting a Mai tai for your next baby… as you will hopefully see, weaaring your baby has a lot of rewards and makes it so much easier to do things…
What I like most about your site is you stand by everything you write and have facts to back it up 🙂
It really gets me when people say “I was formula fed and I turned out fine” or “I let my kid CIO and they are OK” First of all the kid is maybe what, 10 years old, how do they know if they “turned out OK?” The damage that was done to them from CIO may not be clear until they are older and have stressful situations to deal w/or try to have meaningful relationships…or worse, it could carry over into their parenting when that time comes.
I was formula fed and I COULD say I turned out “fine” but I am always sick, I was always sick as a child, my niece was formula fed and had asthma when she was young but again now she is “fine.”
People think just b/c you didn’t die or turn into a serial killer that you turned out “fine” and that being formula fed or left to CIO, etc has no damaging effects which is simply not true!
Obviously this is an old post, but I just had to say that this part of your debate is simply brilliant IMHO:
— “Of course if we didn’t go to sleep at 7pm.. but went to sleep at 11pm then we have only had a 2 hour sleep if our child wakes at 1am… so of course we are not as well rested… the problem then is with OUR sleeping habits… not the child’s!” —
I agree wholeheartedly with your point of view. It bothers me when parents say that it’s THEIR choice to do things like CIO. Unfortunately, their child will eventually be in the world with MY child (or future adult). So we are all affected by these mainstream parenting ideas. The other thing that bothers me is that people say how they or their child turned out “ok” or “fine”. Is that really what we want for our children, for them to just be ok? No thanks, I have bigger better dreams for my family. Ok just doesn’t cut it.
Sorry, I couldn’t resist adding a comment…