I was at the pool last night and I happened to get out at about the same time as a mom with a little girl… she couldn’t have been more than 2 1/2… she wanted to sit in the shower area while they were taking a shower and the mom started to get upset telling the little girl to get up and stand at the exact place that the mom wanted her to and to not move from that spot… at one point she mentioned she feared her slipping but didn’t mention it again…
I finished my shower and went to get dressed and could hear her start with the threats…
“If you don’t stay there, you won’t get ice cream…”
and then the little girl cried, and then she probably moved again, because then the threats got more hurtful…
“If you don’t stay here, you won’t get ice cream, I will get one and you won’t”
and it just kept on getting worse, and worse, when the spot in the shower, became a spot in the changing area.
now the mom is almost screaming “If you stay there, we are not going to get ice cream, but we are going to go home and you are going straight to bed and I am going to tell your daddy how bad you were”
I left just after that…
The threats really bother me…
I remember being a kid and having those threats uddered to me…
If my mom would have kept her word, I would have never been out in public, had any gifts, watched TV or have eaten anything I liked ever again. Did I stop in the moment? maybe… maybe not… Did I start again the next time? Probably, but I don’t think I ever knew why I wasn’t supposed to do something.
The thing is, threats don’t work.
Does that mom really think that her little girl is thinking about not moving, or is questioning why she shouldn’t move or learning not to move? or is she thinking about the ice cream, or getting hurt by her mom’s words, or about her dad not being happy with her?
She might stop moving in the moment. And threats often will get short term compliance, but in the long run, nothing real is learned besides not getting caught and that love is conditional. And at one point threats just won’t work anymore and then punishments just get worse.
The problem though, is that when you are raised in an environment that love is conditional, which most of us were raised in. Punishments, time-outs, rewards etc., then it is so hard to break the cycle…
and really so many people don’t even think about it.
A few things that I found were extremely important in raising a child that is easy to get along with.
1) IMO there’s nothing wrong with logical consequences. We still have them now. For example, on road trips, I let Paul eat whatever he wants. The deal is, though, that if he orders that huge crepe with fruit and syrup and whipped cream at chez Cora and then he turns into a sugared-up maniac, I impose restrictions on what he can eat. If he plays games on his computer when he’s mant to be reading/researching/working with Lego Digital Designer then we put restrictions on his computer time.
2) Do what you say. Whether you believe in threats or not, the woman made a huge mistake in escalating the consequences but not applying them. Realistic consequence would be (if I had a problem with the sitting which I wouldn’t) to say that I don’t want her to sit there because (whatever the hell the reason is) and if she couldn’t cooperate, I wouldn’t feel comfortable coming back to go swimming for (duration). And then when she does it again, make good on it.
3) Most importantly (though I’m not always great at this one) don’t abuse the power you have as an adult. Yes, there are times when physically carrying a kid out of a situation is warranted, but doing it because you’re tired of waiting isn’t always the best thing. Sage and I had the same sort of conflicts when I didn’t want to leave a store and she did and she didn’t go dragging me bodily out.
So far it’s worked out really well for us. OK – here’s my pet peeve at this stage. Having raised a well behaved kid without resorting to physical punishment, it still doesn’t convince people it isn’t necessary. Their answer? Good genetics – we got lucky…*grrr*
[…] General It’s been sort of a week for disussions on parenting. Over at Paxye’s place, we hear a bit about some of the don’ts of parenting. Namely threats, escalation, and […]
I understand the point you are making here, but things seem a bit strained at the end. Could you why it is that you assume the imposition of time-outs equals an environment where love is conditional? I can see how one miht assume it suggests that approval is conditional, but that’s nut the same as love. At all. Does any display of disappointment or frustration suggest a lack of love to a child?
I wrote a long post on how time-outs work and why they are harmful as explained by Dr. Gordon Neufeld in his book “hold onto your kids” and also at a talk I went to see a few years ago.
http://paxye.com/blog/attachment-neufeld-time-outs/
I am pretty sure that this is also a subject that was touched on quite a bit in Alfie Kohn’s book “Unconditional Parenting”
You can disapprove of actions yes without showing disaproval for the child themself, and no, any display of disappointment or frustration does not automatically suggest lack of love… I never said that…
But the act of time-out is an act of conditional love. It is the reason that it works…. because it is an emotional punishment… (this is from that post I wrote)
“In putting a child in time-out we are in essence withdrawing our affection to get the point across. We are teaching them that in order for us to love them they have to be good, they have to obey, if they don’t obey we don’t love them. (it might sound far-fetched.. but really it is quite simple) It is always important to remember that children don’t understand the parents intention, they understand the parents actions.”
BTW… both of those books are amazing reads… very well written and backed up.