Joanna, I don’t think it is hard at all to apply in everyday life, but you do have to have to step out of the box.

First, you HAVE to have a strong attachment and connection. It is the base and most important aspect (Look at my post on “Discipline and How Non-Punitive Parenting Works” linked above)

Xavier immediately knew that the hole in the wall was not a good thing. He knew he was responsible for it and we talked about how he needs to find another way to get his aggression out and how he getting it fixed was his responsibility. It is not about a power struggle and there is no reason for him to say no. (and I can tell you, he is not a child that never says no)

The child that doesn’t want to put their coat on at -30. Just bring the coat with you. You know that getting cold does not mean getting sick, that happens because of a virus. If he gets outside and he will be cold you can offer the coat again. Maybe he is like me and runs hot and can easily not use a coat in the winter. I think I wore my coat about a dozen times this winter… usually a sweater is enough for me and I have always been like that. Even as a child.

For cleaning up toys. Honestly is sounds like not picking up toys is something that you are taking personally if you are talking about liberties and “needs” and are making it into a power struggle. Does he have space that he CAN leave legos laying around? If not… why not? What if he was done playing for the day but not done his game and wanted to go back to it tomorrow? Can he do that? Where is his space in the house, where are his liberties? How about giving him a space that is his so that he can leave legos around if he he doesn’t want to clean up a space that you are claiming as yours. Find a solution that fits both of your needs.

It is not hard to not use any form of “taking away” or punishment when you have the right attachment in place. Punishments creates power struggles and that in turn it damages the balance of connection and creates a different form of attachment that makes it much harder. What can be difficult though is stepping back, changing our expectations (which may be way too high), not taking things personally and instead of punishing… connecting and pulling our kids in to find solutions together. For our children to respect our needs and wants, we needs to respect theirs also.

Merci pour cette définition! Je cherche souvent comment décrire cette façon de faire avec les enfants et c’est exactement ça! Un grand merci pour cet article et ce blog que je découvre aussi! Thank you!

Stéphanie Meloche

Well, the natural consequence is that the other child might be hurt or sad because he got hit. (Natural consequences are what happen without any outside manipulation)

What you are looking for is logical consequences in this case and really it depends on the ages and situation.
-You could work on preventing situations (I know this one os hard when you have young kids that can turn from playing perfectly to hitting within seconds).
-You can separate them when it happens by taking the one that is BEING hit away and tending to them. I would ask them to explain what happened. Many times, they were not really the innocent in the situation.
-I would tell the hitting child or both children that we do not hit in this house and if they are verbal enough I would ask them to why they hit and what they could have said instead to get their want/need met. I would talk through the situation with them. If I saw it was about a toy, I would give the toy to the child being hit and tell the other that if they want it they need to find a way to ask for it in an acceptable manner and I would also help the child who has the toy be able to say no in a way that might not provoke a strong reaction in the other child.
– I would at times ask the child hitting to help the other child feel better by rectifying the situation. They often came up with great solutions all on their own that I would never have though about.

Really, there are many possibilities and it does take time and effort because there is NO one size fits all solution…

Have you seen this post? https://ahippiewithaminivan.com/blog/discipline-and-how-non-punitive-parenting-works/

For non-punitive parenting, you really need to have the foundation of a strong attachment. It is never too late of course but it is very important.