I was at the pool last night and I happened to get out at about the same time as a mom with a little girl… she couldn’t have been more than 2 1/2… she wanted to sit in the shower area while they were taking a shower and the mom started to get upset telling the little girl to get up and stand at the exact place that the mom wanted her to and to not move from that spot… at one point she mentioned she feared her slipping but didn’t mention it again…

I finished my shower and went to get dressed and could hear her start with the threats…

“If you don’t stay there, you won’t get ice cream…”

and then the little girl cried, and then she probably moved again, because then the threats got more hurtful…

“If you don’t stay here, you won’t get ice cream, I will get one and you won’t”

and it just kept on getting worse, and worse, when the spot in the shower, became a spot in the changing area.

now the mom is almost screaming “If you stay there, we are not going to get ice cream, but we are going to go home and you are going straight to bed and I am going to tell your daddy how bad you were”

I left just after that…

The threats really bother me…

I remember being a kid and having those threats uddered to me…

If my mom would have kept her word, I would have never been out in public, had any gifts, watched TV or have eaten anything I liked ever again. Did I stop in the moment? maybe… maybe not… Did I start again the next time? Probably, but I don’t think I ever knew why I wasn’t supposed to do something.

The thing is, threats don’t work.

Does that mom really think that her little girl is thinking about not moving, or is questioning why she shouldn’t move or learning not to move? or is she thinking about the ice cream, or getting hurt by her mom’s words, or about her dad not being happy with her?

She might stop moving in the moment. And threats often will get short term compliance, but in the long run, nothing real is learned besides not getting caught and that love is conditional. And at one point threats just won’t work anymore and then punishments just get worse.

The problem though, is that when you are raised in an environment that love is conditional, which most of us were raised in. Punishments, time-outs, rewards etc., then it is so hard to break the cycle…

and really so many people don’t even think about it.